Marriage Night with Pastors Daniel & Tammie Floyd and Jimmy & Irene Rollins | Gateway Church

Oh, we worship you, ((music playing)) Jesus. Sing out. ((music playing)) Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved [music and singing] a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now ((music playing)) I'm found. Was blind, ((music playing)) but now I see. see ((music playing)) it. Hallelujah. There's no chains [music and singing] on me. Thank you, Jesus. You have ((music playing)) set me free. You welcome me in.

Call me by name. Standing ((music playing)) mountain. ((music playing)) It really is amazing grace. Oh, ((music playing)) it was grace that taught my ((music playing)) heart to fear. And grace my fears ((music playing)) really. How precious that ((music playing)) we are ((music playing)) first. ((music playing)) There's no chain ((music playing)) on me. Thank you, Jesus. ((music playing)) You have set me free. You welcome me in my single.

((music playing)) ((music playing)) It really is amazing grace. Hallelujah. ((music playing)) Come on, let's testify. I'll test I'll testify of what ((music playing)) he did. He gave me life. I'm born again. My heart is free. My soul is saved. ((music playing)) It really is amazing grace. I testify ((music playing)) of what he did. He gave me life. I'm born again.

((music playing)) My heart is free. My soul is saved. ((music playing)) He really ((music playing)) is amazing. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. Heat. [music and singing] ((music playing)) You set me free. ((music playing)) Heat. ((music playing)) Heat. ((music playing)) It really is. It really ((music playing)) is. It really is. Amazing grace. Oh, hallelujah. ((music playing)) Thank you, Jesus. ((music playing)) God, we thank you for your goodness and your kindness. Lord, ((music playing)) you're faithful to be with us tonight.

You're worthy and you're welcome. Come and be it. ((music playing)) Come on, let's vlog ((music playing)) [singing] ((music playing)) and my shelter. Though when [music and singing] we surround, he's my defender and he's faithful and patient. [music and singing] He's loving and he's ((music playing)) gracious. From age to [singing] age, his goodness never changes. ((music playing)) I will sing praise. ((music playing)) I will sing praise. For the [singing] Lord is good always.

((music playing)) All of my days held by his grace. For ((music playing)) the Lord is [singing] good. The Lord is good ((music playing)) always. Always. Always. ((music playing)) My praises, ((music playing)) my treasure. He's good beyond [singing] all measure. I see I see there's nothing ((music playing)) there. So forever I'll sing praise. Heat. Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) is for ((music playing)) the Lord is good always.

I see praise. I see for ((music playing)) the Lord is good always. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) Always ((music playing)) always the Lord is ((music playing)) good always. Yes, he is. I'm standing [music and singing] on the rock, the rock of ages, holding to the hope ((music playing)) that never [singing] changes. I've got ((music playing)) all I need, cuz I've got you. [singing] Come on.

You believe that tonight? Hey. ((music playing)) Yeah. I'm standing on the rock. The rock [music and singing] of aes to the never changes. ((music playing)) I got all I need. Cuz I got ((music playing)) you. Yes. Stay [singing] on the rock. ((music playing)) That's all I need. ((music playing)) [singing] Heat. Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. Heat. [singing] ((music playing)) I see for the ((music playing)) Lord is good always.

((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Set [singing] it all around the rock of aes to hold that ((music playing)) changes. I got all I need cuz I ((music playing)) got you. ((music playing)) Oh, I'm standing on the rock. around ((music playing)) to the home that's never changing. I ((music playing)) got all I need cuz I've got you ((music playing)) on the rock. ((music playing)) Heat.

Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) All I need cuz I've got you. ((music playing)) I will sing praise. I will sing praise for [singing] the Lord is ((music playing)) good always. All of my [singing] days held by his grace. For [singing] the Lord is ((music playing)) good. The Lord is good always. [singing] ((music playing)) Always. Declare. The Lord [music and singing] is good always. Always. Always.

[singing] The Lord is good [singing and music] always. ((applause)) Yes, God. We thank you for your faithfulness. We thank you for your goodness. We worship you, Lord. We worship you, Jesus. Thank you for who you are and all you've done. We sing together. I have this [music and singing] thirst only you can sisfy ((music playing)) in my heart [singing] it burns within all consuming ((music playing)) fire and I search and ((music playing)) seek but you're never hard to find.

The more of you ((music playing)) I see, the more that I desire. I need you ((music playing)) more than the air that I breathe. You captured ((music playing)) my heart. Everything you're pulling me ((music playing)) closer. [singing] Thank you. There is no one else. There [music and singing] is nothing like your love. With every taste I get, ((music playing)) Jesus, I can't get enough.

I need you ((music playing)) more than the air. I brea You captured my heart ((music playing)) every pulling me closer. Yes, you are. Jesus, ((music playing)) I need you. All that I am. ((music playing)) your feet to pour out my love and to praise you over and over over and ((music playing)) over. All my love, all my life, it's yours, Jesus.

[singing] It's yours, Jesus. You can have it all. You can have it all. [music and singing] Oh, the more ((music playing)) I know you, [singing] the more I want to. And I can't get enough. The more I know you, the more I want to. ((music playing)) And I can't get enough. We sing. The more ((music playing)) I know you, the more I want you.

And I can't get enough. ((music playing)) The more I know you, the more I want you. ((music playing)) And I can't get enough. The more I know you, the more ((music playing)) I want you. I can't get enough of you, Jesus. ((music playing)) The more I know you, the more I want ((music playing)) you. Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) me closer.

((music playing)) Oh Jesus. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Yeah. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) I can't get enough. ((music playing)) The more I know you, the more I want ((music playing)) to. And I can't get enough. Cuz I need you more than the [singing] air that I breathe. You've captured my heart. Every beat. You're pulling me [music and singing] closer, closer to your heart.

Jesus, I need you. All that I am at your feet to pour out my love and to praise you over and over. We praise you over and over. over and over. [singing and music] Oh, how we love you, Lord. How we need [singing] you, Lord. ((music playing)) Oh, we're desperate for you. Oh, we're desperate for you, Lord.

Oh, would you make us into your [singing] image, ((music playing)) Jesus? Form us into your [singing] likeness. ((music playing)) How we need you. How we love you. how we need you. How we love you. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Love you, Jesus. There is no one like you, God. And we're thankful for your presence in this place, God.

Our desire, our heart is to be near to you, to lift your name high tonight, God. We worship you our king, our savior, our friend. Thank you for your presence, Lord. Thank you, Jesus. Oh, maybe we've made this complicated. Oh, more than it was ever meant to be.

Hasn't it [singing] always been about the same things? Oh Lord, come bring ((music playing)) us back to simple things. Come on, let's pray this together tonight. Oh, will you [singing] be the center ((music playing)) of it all? Yes, my heart belongs to you. ((music playing)) You're my savior [singing] all and all. Oh, you're the one I hold ((music playing)) on to.

Oh, for the beauty of your name is my ((music playing)) soul [singing] will live to say Jesus ((music playing)) I love you. Would you teach us to discern [music and singing] the moments? Oh, to serve and we to ((music playing)) sit here by the feet. Oh, keep ((music playing)) us awake to what's important. Oh, just like ((music playing)) me. She chose the better things.

Can we sing? Oh, you be ((music playing)) the center of it [singing] all. My heart belongs to you, my savior. ((music playing)) All you're the [singing] one I hold on to for the beauty ((music playing)) of your name. My [singing] soul will live ((music playing)) to say, "Oh Jesus, [singing] I love you. For you. Oh, for ((music playing)) you are the center of [singing] it all.

My ((music playing)) heart belongs to you. You're my savior all. ((music playing)) Oh, you're the one I hold on to. For the ((music playing)) beauty of your name, my soul will live to see. Jesus, I love you. ((music playing)) How I love you. ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) I do Jesus ((music playing)) my whole life for you my whole world ((music playing)) for you everything for the you ((music playing)) put it in my days in my days the story.

Let it ((music playing)) be everything ((music playing)) for the world. ((music playing)) Yeah. ((music playing)) Heat. ((music playing)) Yeah. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Yes, Lord. ((music playing)) Come on. You know, it's all about Jesus. Come on. It's all about him at the ((music playing)) center of our lives. ((music playing)) You know, the whole idea of that song is this thought of surrender because there's a lot of things that we like to put at the center of our lives, right?

We put our success at the ((music playing)) center. We put other relationships at the center. We put our pride at the center. Put our ego at the center. And can I tell you, no relationships work without open-handed living. And we have no better model than Jesus himself, right? In the garden of Gethsemane, he saw the cross coming and it wasn't a pleasant thing.

And he said, "What father, if there's any way, let this cup pass from me, but not my will, but yours be done." See, you don't have to surrender something that you want to give up. You only have to surrender the things you don't want to give up. If it if you wanted to give it up, it's not surrender.

But it's the part that God pinpoints in your heart and goes, I want that. It's the part in the marriage that God goes, I want you to lay that down. I want you to let go of that pride. I want you to get over that issue. I want you to ((music playing)) move past bringing that up again and again.

And you go, I don't know. I want to hold on to that, God. That's good ammo. And here's my prayer is that you'd have your own Garden of Gethsemane moment right now. That you would say, "Not my will, Lord, but yours be done. Not my will in my life.

Not my plan. Not the way that I thought it would go out. Not my rights, but God, your will be done in my life. And so, can we sing that again with a posture of surrender, a posture of garden? God, this is my own garden. And I just say, "My whole life for your glory.

My whole world, God, I live it for you only." Come on. Would you lift your hands if you're comfortable all over this room out in the lobby? Why don't you just lift your hands to the Lord? Come on. Everything for the honor of your name. ((music playing)) God, it is my days.

Tell the [music and singing] story. Let it be. Love you all every day. For ((music playing)) the honor [singing] of your name in my whole ((music playing)) life. Oh, you call me ((music playing)) every day. ((music playing)) Yeah. Heat. ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) For the honor of your day, we ((music playing)) surrender our lives to you. Your honor ((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. [singing] Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat.

Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Yeah. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Yeah. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Oh, come on. Would you give it five more ((music playing)) seconds? You're worthy. You're worthy ((music playing)) of it all. ((music playing)) You're worthy of [singing] it all. Come on, sing it, church. [singing] You are all things and to you are all things and you deserve the glory. As God, we sing.

You are worthy of it all. ((music playing)) As Jesus, oh, you worthy of it all. You alone for from you are [singing] all things God and to you are all things and you deserve the glory. Father, that's our prayer that you are worthy, worthy, worthy. You are worth it. You're worth our worship.

You're worth our lives. You're worth our great greatest surrender. All of our hearts affection, all of our mind's attention. And we come to you. We say like the disciples, who else can we turn to? You have the words of life. Where else can we go? So we believe you are with us.

We sense your presence in this place and we ask you to do what only you can do. Some of us tonight are thriving in our marriage, strong and vibrant. would you add to the foundation? But some of us are like roommates. The pace of life and the responsibilities were like passing ships in the night and the vibrancy is gone.

And we're not fighting ((music playing)) for it anymore. I pray for courage to be honest. I pray for courage, for hearts to be open to hear what you want to say. For some of us tonight, we're giving some last ditch efforts, Lord, to keep the marriage together. And I declare in the name of Jesus that you are the rescuer.

And I pray for facades to drop tonight. I pray for honesty. I I pray tonight is both supernatural and catalytic. that what you begin in this place, would it continue outside this place? Would you begin a miracle tonight that will be worked out over the next weeks and months ((music playing)) and years?

But God, would you bring healing? Would you bring hope? I pray that in some moment in our time together, would you interrupt the plan of the enemy over relationships tonight? And would tonight be the beginning of a journey of healing and of strength and of restoration? We believe in your presence, anything is possible.

And so have your way. And we ask this in the mighty name of Jesus. Everybody said a big amen. Amen. Amen. ((music playing)) Oh, come on. Give Jesus your very best. Have you grateful for the presence of God in this place? Wow. Wow. Wow. ((music playing)) ((applause)) Well, you made a great choice to spend your Friday night right here.

I do want to say before we get along in the service, this doesn't count as church for the weekend. So, I expect you to be at your campus this weekend. Well, I'm so excited for uh everything else that's planned for the evening. But before we get into that, I want you to take a few moments and meet somebody around you, learn a name, say hello to somebody, find a face you do not recognize, and introduce yourself.

All right. All right, everybody. ((cheering)) It's like uh one big pantry tonight, babe. Hey, I love me some pantry people. Love you guys. I'm so proud of you on a Friday night in Texas. You're in the house of God. We're so excited for you to be here. We're so expectant, ((music playing)) right?

What did we do today? Fridays are your day off. So, we just relaxed ((music playing)) and enjoyed spring. Yes. Spring in Texas. I do love Texas winters. ((music playing)) Both days of them. It was It was fantastic. Well, we're so excited for you to hear uh the message, orient you around what we're going to do.

((music playing)) Um some dear friends of ours are going to come and share um just a word and interweave a powerful story of what God's done in their marriage. And then we're going to come join them and dive a little bit deeper in through a Q&A. and um pastors Jimmy and Irene Rollins, we got to know them because um Virginia, DC, and Maryland, they call it the DMV if you're in that area.

And now we're in the DFW. That's right. So, we like acronyms. Yes, we love them. And so, they were pastoring in Baltimore, we were pastoring outside of DC. So, we would begin to get together and then we ended up doing ministry in each other's churches and our teams would interact and learn from one another. just became dear friends over the years and wouldn't you knew it they moved to Dallas about a year or so ago.

So God kind of sent friends before we even got here for us. Just so kind. But um now they lead a marriage ministry called 2 equals 1. And um just a really I won't get into their story. Such a powerful story. Um, but the things I love about them is their level of vulnerability, level of transparency, and uh their love for Jesus obviously, but they're really their heart to help couples grow and thrive.

And ((music playing)) um you'll see that you'll see which one is the stronger one, Irene, between the two, the better communicator. I'm just messing. Um, but dear friends, we love you very much and uh we've loved doing life and ministry for a long, long time together and we're excited for our church to hear you tonight.

Um, so would you put your hands together and give a big old gateway welcome to our friends, pastors Jimmy and Irene Rollins. Come on, let them know you love them. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((applause)) Hey church, how y'all doing? How y'all doing? Everybody feel good? If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.

A wow, that's better than black church. It's amazing. It is so good to be here. So honored to be here. Can we give it up for your amazing pastors? Absolutely. And our friends, we love you guys dearly. I feel like that um Pastor Daniel is like my alter ego.

Um you know, like I'm the friend you call when someone needs to be fought. You know what I mean? I'm the friend, you know, you call when things are going bad and you need someone to get a fake account and talk back to people. Oh my gosh. He He's the friend of reason and the friend of wisdom.

Absolutely. And uh and our friendship completely works and we absolutely love you both. You all guys been such a blessing to us. Almost 13 years of friendship blessingless and we love you. We love We do miss our lunches um in DC, Washington DC. Uh but we are so glad that we're in the same city.

When you called me or texted me and said, "Hey, there's an announcement coming." I was like, "Yes, I'm going to have a white friend in Dallas. It's going to be amazing." [laughter] And so we love you guys so much. You want to say anything? Well, I ju just want to remind you of the last time, not the last time, but well, the first time we were in this building, we had a major marriage breakthrough.

So, I just want you to know that we were at a place of desperation. We needed rescuing. We had no hope. And we had breakthrough in this building at a at a conference. Actually, it was 15 rows back right there. And you did not know that I was here to decide if we our marriage was going to work or not.

Mhm. And uh someone met me in the lobby uh a random person and came up to me and says, "I see that you're pondering leaving your wife. We want you to know that the work is worth it." And so we are so grateful for this church and what the legacy has poured into our marriage.

Look what the Lord has done. And so we've been married 26 years. Come on. And it's been about the best 10 years ever. True story. True story. We'll get into a little bit of that later. Absolutely. But one of the I, you know, ideas that we love to start a conference or a marriage night is is with this thought in mind.

We are not allowed to complain about the marriage that we refuse to work on. We are we are not allowed to complain about the marriage that we refuse to work on. Marriage takes work. It takes being amazing forgivers. It takes being the grace of God to one another.

It takes uh that the understanding that forgiveness is a choice, but reconciliation is a process. And many people get stuck at I don't know what the process looks like. So, we hold back and reserve forgiveness. But tonight, we're going to tell you a story of redemption. We're going to tell you a story of how God got in the middle of our mess and our greatest misery became an an amazing ministry to so many couples around the world.

And we have three amazing kids. We are No, two and a half. I don't I only like half of our son. Oh, what be nice. Yeah. My old our oldest is 25. She's girl Kayla. She's here. She's amazing. We love you so much. Thank you, baby. And um we have a son that's 23 and a daughter that's 20.

We are officially empty nesters. Like officially. Yeah. Clothes are optional in our home. Oh, I mean, you're the one who walks down the stairs. No, I randomly like feel like we need a HIPPA clause in this relationship right now. But we're so grateful for what God has done in our marriage.

And tonight for the, you know, our beginning of our time, we want to talk from the idea a different kind of love. a different kind of love. Maybe a love that was um quoted in scripture in First Corinthians over our marriages when we got married at the altar, but a love that's been tough to navigate.

A love that's been tough to provide grace for. A love that's been tough to to break the cycles of the same argument. You know, and it could be as something as big as how we discipline the children or something as major or as minor depending on is the question all of us get is what you want for dinner.

It doesn't matter what I want because as soon as I start talking about what I want, you're going to say just get whatever you want and then you're going to say all the reasons why I shouldn't get that. Yeah. [laughter] And so we have decided that this talk is for us to have completely two different Door Dash accounts.

Come on, somebody. But at every single marriage, at every single wedding, you know, one of the preacher uh trainings we get is to read 1 Corinthians 13:4 through7. And I'm not going to uh uh for lack of time go through that entire scripture. But at the end of that scripture, what it says in many versions is that love never fails.

Love never fails. And when that scripture when Paul is reciting and quoting that verse and saying love never fails, it is not an indication of a question. Should love fail. I it's not an idea that we get to weigh based off of what we like and what we dislike or what has happened in the marriage.

In fact, Irene and I have found in our story that love it's at its best when one of us are at our worst. This is the love of God. And so, culture would say that love is is a slow jam. I don't know what era, you know, uh, era of slow jams that you came from.

So, I wrote some ones down. I may not know. If you break my heart, come on, somebody. Billy Ray Silus. If you break my heart, y'all y'all hear me? I put a little gospel on that. Didn't you hear that? My eggy breaky heart. Right. I put a little stink on that.

Uh, or or or the police. Every breath you take, you got to be a little airy. Every move you make, [laughter] that's all I know. You know, a little airy. Yeah, that's What about one of your You can't sing, but what about I can't sing. I mean, I literally I What about all my life?

Casey and Jojo, I pray for someone like you. Y'all see that? I love it when she blushing right now. And I sure hope you I told you we was going to have date night with a whole bunch of other couples. But here's the deal. Culture gives us a bad definition of love.

Culture does not define what love is. Christ defines what love is. ((applause)) And so we came up with a a little uh uh parody a scripture that would describe seasons of our marriage that we would define as love. And I call it first counterfishians [laughter] verse 13. Chapter 13 verse 1-7.

Love is impatient and easily annoyed. Love is kind when it's my birthday and when I'm in a great mood when my wife actually breaks down the Amazon boxes and put them in the recycle bin. [laughter] Love is boastful. Boastful in public, but offended in private. Love kicks you underneath the table.

Come on, somebody. Love is proud because somebody has to be right and it might as well be me. [laughter] It's a good one, huh? Love is rude with truth and then calls it being honest. Mhm. Love demands its own way and calls it being the spiritual head of the household.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. All the dudes are like, "Don't come for me. I ain't scared." Come on, y'all. I'm from Baltimore. Love is irritable, especially when you don't read my mind the way you should. By a show of hands. No. No. No. Don't do that. Don't do that. Love has a short fuse but a long memory.

Come on. Love keeps score and highlights your failures. Love records wrongs in high definition. Stores them in the cloud and brings them up. Come on, somebody. At the worst possible time. Love rejoices when it wins. And guess what? Even if it loses your spouse. Uhoh. It got a little serious right there, didn't it?

Love says, "What do you want?" But then hold you the mostly hostage for two days when you don't give it. And I love this part for text, tone, and the way you said it will pass away. Come on. But my attitude will keep score forever. Come on. This is the counterfeits of all of our relationships.

And here's the deal. Because we have allowed culture to define love and not scripture to define love. And many of us and Irene will talk about this of how do we define love? What have we experienced in our lives in our family of origin that has made us define love?

[sighs] Where do you want me to go right now? What I just said not uh I I just said this. I I just said see this right here. Okay. See, this is what happens right now. And we argue in front of the people and we're [laughter] supposed to be doing marriage.

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. The how. So, the way we've experienced I love you so much, girl. [laughter] You're amazing. I wasn't sure if people were going to go to No, it's it's so fine. It's fine. I mean, it doesn't it doesn't matter what I said. It's what what you want.

My bad. But we we really um our expression of love comes from how we've experienced love. Yes. So our [snorts] family of origin, our caretakers early on in life, however we experienced love then is how we love in our adulthood. And whether we like it or not, even through the process, there's oh so much grace and mercy and amazing um just transformation that happens when we come into the family of God, right?

We come into the family of God and we unlearn our dysfunctional ways. But that adaptive child, yes, that little wounded child that experienced love in a way that may have been abusive, abandonment perhaps, whatever it was that wasn't healthy, wasn't God's intention and original intent, we have an opportunity to unlearn it.

Yes. In our marriage. And this is exactly what we sit here with today. As many of us, we can point out the areas that we are compatible, but we believe through our story and to all the couples that we get to mentor and walk through and coach from around the world that compatibility is a great floor, but a terrible ceiling.

Compatibility brings us together, but something much deeper keeps us together. Capacity. Do you have the capacity to forgive? Do you have the capacity to offer grace when it hasn't been given to you? Do you have the capacity to ask for forgiveness even though you feel like you are the one that has been hurt?

Compatibility doesn't do that, but capacity does. And this is exactly where we found our marriage about 13 years ago. And Irene's going to tell our marriage story. Y'all see how I told her exactly what to do right there? Y'all see that? Like exactly. There's no confusion right there.

But our story is a is a powerful story of how we went from compatibility to capacity. Yes. So, how many of you were drawn to your spouse because they were different than you? Anybody? Anybody? We are polar opposites. Complete. Complete polar opposites. We met on the job. We had a whirlwind romance.

We from the day we met uh was October 24th, I'm sorry, October 1st. 24th we went out on our first date. December 19th, we were engaged. Don't do that. She just couldn't keep her hands off me. I just want to let you know. I was like, "Girl, you can't have this.

Can't touch this." You know what I'm saying? It's better than married in a burn. You know, I loved his sense of humor, his assertiveness. Oh my gosh, he's so strong. He's a decision maker. I loved everything about him. I loved how he set boundaries. I had never met a guy that said, "You know what?

We're not going to have sex before marriage." What? I'm like, I didn't even know that existed. This is holy. [laughter] Pleasing unto the Lord. It's holy. What a gift. I'm like, this is amazing. But the very thing that drew me to him ended up being the thing I despised not too long into the marriage.

I became a professional stuffer and number because that's what I knew to do with my emotions, with how I felt about things. And I didn't know what to do with my irritations and my frustrations with Jimmy Rollins. The very things that drew me to him began to eat me alive on the inside.

And I resented him. Resented him. And over time, we were pastoring the church and in Baltimore. And I without even knowing it, started medicating all of the pain and the shame that I was feeling about really the state of our relationship. Um, some undelt with trauma and abuse from my childhood that I had never shared even with my own husband.

And I began to medicate my pain with alcohol. And in a six-year period of time, and I say six years because I met Jimmy and fell in love with Jesus, started popping out babies all through my 20s. Didn't touch alcohol. Introduced to alcohol at 9 years old though, early introduction.

By the time we reintrod and I abused it all up until I was 21 when I was 32 when we were on vacation and we reintroduced alcohol back into our relationship. It took a six-year period of time for me to end up rock bottom. Losing the respect of my children, blackout drunk, not at church, not when everybody could see me, but at nights to cope with my pain.

And I would drink at Jimmy. And in six years, Jimmy said, "It's either you go to rehab or I'm taking the kids and I'm out." And God did a miraculous work. November 12th, 10 years ago. And today, Irene sits here 10 years sober from alcohol. ((applause)) But while she was in rehab, I had to deal with my own idiosyncrasies and my own failures and my own addictions.

Because of the pain in our marriage, I I ended up at 420bs. I was traveling the world preaching and the pull pit became my place of escape. I could preach to thousands, but couldn't talk to the one I laid next to every night. I could build a church and have an amazing kids ministry, but had no relationship with my own children.

Why? because I was secretly hurting. And when you what we learned here is when you win at the wrong thing, you lose at the right thing. And we were winning on stages but losing in living rooms. And then God got a hold of us. And God put us on this journey to have this different kind of love.

Not a love that is self-centered, not a love that was selfish. But we want to give you one thought tonight. A love that endures humanity. A love that actually I'll give you all three. A love that endures humanity. A love that covers history. And a love that heals humbly.

That's what God wants us to have for each other. Yeah. And we've asked ourselves these questions back and forth through the years. Yes, we went to counseling. Yes, we did the work. Yes, we uh got accountable with other couples like Daniel and Tammy. and we and we got behind the scenes and had people speak into our lives.

You know, one thing you'll never see on your own, your blind spot. And it took all of these things to come in and speak into our marriage. And God has brilliantly healed areas and is still healing areas. And we want you to know today that there God sees you and he loves you too much to leave your marriage in the space that it is in right now.

Maybe the space of fear or the space of resentment or the space of guilt or asking yourself the questions, how are we going to make it out of this? I want to give you good news. And we're going to unpack this uh with Q&A with Pastor Daniel and Pastor Tammy and and we're going to go through the steps and and tell you some of the things, but we have to have this different kind of love that covers history, that endures humanity, that heals humbly.

And I'll never forget in the beginning of that journey, Irene and I, we were going on vacation to Disney World, broke. Come on, somebody. We lived in Baltimore and we like, "Let's drive." And we had three bad kids in the back seat. Come on. You You ever disciplined your kids with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand in the back seat and I forgot to charge my phone.

I'll never forget that. We stopped at a gas station. And I love a deal. And And they had a deal. Four phone uh charge cords for $5. Come on. Back then there was a commercial says four for $5. And I came back in the car and I and I said, "Babe, I got a deal."

And I took the phone cord out and I plugged it in and then I plugged it I plugged it into the car and then I plugged it into my phone and this error message popped up and the error message says not compatible. In other words, what this charger was saying is that a knockoff version will not transfer something from the power source to the one who needs power.

In other words, that you can have compatibility, but does the heart, does the mind, does the emotions have the capacity to transfer power from heaven to broken vessels here on earth? And so, as we walk through this with you, as Pastor Daniel and Tammy, I want you to keep in mind these three thoughts.

Do I have a love that covers my spouse's history? Do I have the kind of love that endures my spouse's humanity? And do I have the kind of love that heals humbly? We want to give you teeth. That's impossible to do in 20 minutes, 30 minutes, one night.

But tonight, maybe it's just the willingness. Yes. As Pastor Daniel said during worship, maybe the surrender is not a new house or a car, but the surrender is not keeping score. The surrender is providing your spouse the same kind of grace that God gives you. And so, we're going to pray over you.

Irene's going to pray a prayer over you as we go through this talk that God would open up your hearts, that God would open up your minds, that the scoreboard would be erased, and by the end of tonight, it would be a stepping stone for you to understand that the greatest gospel message that you could ever have is a healthy marriage.

Can we pray? Father, we thank you that you're the great rescuer and that you're in this room and you are rescuing us from ourselves. Help us to come out of hiding, come out of shame and just be naked and vulnerable in front of our of you and our spouses so we can experience this intimacy and this closeness that we long for.

I thank you that there's breakthrough in this place. I thank you that couples are going to take the steps that they need to get honest. Get honest about their pain. Get honest about things that they've been hiding so they can step into healing. And God, you are our great redeemer.

So God, do what only you can do. Redeem us. God, please also help my wife break down the boxes in Jesus name. And put them in the recycle bin. Amen. In Jesus name. [laughter] Amen. I think you're on the outside. ((applause)) All right. Thank you for laying some groundwork. Now, let's let's dive in a little bit.

Um, so 10 years ago, the marriage is not in a great place at all. Thinking about not even staying together. What did it take? Cuz I think I think sometimes that no matter how long we've been married, there is this how do I get that transparent? Yeah. Like what? talk about could you maybe from both perspective Irene talk about what I know there was a breaking point of I'm I'm taking the kids and leaving but just internally maybe even through those six years what was the the barrier to go I need to get this honest somewhere with someone but I'm unwilling to do it because I think you know the old saying is God can't heal what you don't reveal and you can't live in freedom until you're willing to get something into the light it just continues to grow in the dark.

And I think that's where the enemy gets us trapped is I can't say this out loud to somebody. I thought it would kill me if I said it out loud. I'd die. Like if I got that honest about things that were going on in my mind, my heart, things that I had experienced, the way I was abusing alcohol, I didn't think it was something I could say out loud.

I didn't know how. I want you to understand like that family of origin junk that we bring into our relationships. For me, what it looked like was a emotional illiteracy. I did not know how to express my emotions, label them. Um, I didn't know I was it was okay for me to be angry because there was only one person in my household allowed to be angry.

I didn't know that I could make mistakes. And it was in counseling where this turnaround moment happened where um, you know, Jimmy was just sharing that he had things his struggles and um, things like that. And I was like, "How does he do that? How does he just say what's on his mind?"

And the counselor looked at me dead in the face and she said, "Irene, it's called honesty. Maybe you should try it sometime." And I was like, "But how I did not know how." And it took it it was shame that was keeping me. And it's like Adam and Eve.

Like I was hiding behind all of the shame. There's no way I could say this out loud. Like God's grace was for everybody else in the room at our church. I created environments to draw people in to meet the freeing power of Jesus Christ. But for some reason, I felt like it didn't apply to me.

And that lid came off. That lid in my relationship with God came off the day I got honest. And I was in a forced AA meeting at rehab [laughter] and I was like, I'm not an alcoholic. I'm nobody's going to label me and tell me who I am. I'm a daughter of the most high God.

You're not going to put a label on me. They're like I never forget um it sitting there and feeling this burning sess sensation in my chest. I had to raise my hand. I had to admit my weakness in order for the power of God to come sit in me and help me walk out a program of recovery.

I had to say, "My name is Irene and I am an alcoholic. I abuse alcohol. I drink to blackout. I'm allergic to alcohol. It doesn't mean I am bad. I am broken." No, I am a daughter of the most high God. Right? I know who's I am. But I have to admit the weakness in order to overcome it.

Right? So it was removing the lid of shame. I think the principles that you could walk away with is uh something that we walk couples through is transparency is what I let you see. Like you can see somebody being transparent without them saying anything because transparency is not always what I'm saying out of my mouth.

It's the behavior of my character. So transparency is what I let you see. Vulnerability is what I let you know based off of what you see. So vulnerability gives definition to dysfunction. Right? So if I'm yelling and yelling and all the things and I'm being controlling, but she doesn't know why because we have never had safety in our relationship to share that I had a very uh what I looked at as a controlling mother.

And then when we got married, I was like my wife is not going to be like my mom. The last thing I want to do is be married to my mom, you know? Especially the way she looks today. It's like my god. Stop it. So transparency is what I vulnerability.

Transparency is what I let you see. I hope mom doesn't see this. Vulnerability. Don't send her the link is what I let you know. But when I let you know what you can see, it becomes accountability. That's now what I let you hold. Hold me accountable. Hold me to a higher standard.

And then we get to intimacy. Intimacy is when I have nothing to hide. You cannot have nothing to hide until you're first transparent. You go through the work to do to become vulnerable. You give it to other people. That's why you have to get in a group. Confess your sins to God that you may be forgiven.

Confess your sins to one another that you may be healed. We have too many Christians walking around forgiven and not healed because they don't do people. So, we got to get in a group. But intimacy is key. Intimacy is not perfection. We have learned that when you are honest and transparent, there's a freedom that takes place.

Not perfection. But freedom is not being perfect. It's having nothing to hide. But it starts from transparency, vulnerability, accountability, intimacy. So great. Go ahead. So diving into that a little bit more. Um, I've heard you tell the story before of you would leave and it wasn't you leaving her, it was you, it was the abandonment that you experienced when you were younger.

So, two thoughts on that. Um, one, share that. And then two, how did you do the work of that much um self-discovery so to speak to say to begin to recognize those things like the tools, the thing, you know what I mean? Especially for some of us who didn't grow up in environments where really kind of looking into your soul and figuring out why why do I behave the way I behave?

That's so good. Like like you said, I'm saved. I know Jesus filled with the Holy Spirit going to heaven, but I still got some behaviors that he's sanctifying. Why do I act the way I act? So, can you tell that that story? And then also how did you dive deep enough to go I know counseling is part of the answer but yeah counseling is a huge part of the answer because that's where we had a lot of these breakthrough moments where I um began to feel safe enough to share what had happened to me.

Um, you know, we we would be talking about an issue and how many of you know you're in counseling, you're talking and you're arguing about an issue and you think it's about the issue, right? And not too long after the counselor starts asking you questions, you figure out that it's really not about what you're arguing about.

It's something deeper. And Jimmy would go away on trips, business trips, ministry trips, and I would have total panic attacks. I would be calling him. that stalker wife. Okay. Like where are you? Like I was so paranoid when he was gone. Like are you coming back? Are you coming back?

You know what we It was just a I was a hot mess. Come to find out in that self-discovery as I was in counseling starting to learn emotional intelligence and awareness and uh emotional literacy. I started to realize that I the counselor would ask me, "How do you feel in that moment?

How old do you feel in the moment that your husband is gone and you're panicking? I'm like, nine. And she said, well, what happened when you were nine? I was like, my dad went to work overseas and he left for 2 years. He left us here in the US, left us.

That's the way I framed it in my nine-year-old mind. Abandonment, rejection. He went away to work, but I framed it as abandonment. I went under the bed and cried for hours and no one came to comfort me. And it was in that moment in counseling uh that he also gave me an analogy and he said, "Here you are, this nine-year-old girl and you want her to come out and be affectionate.

You want her to come out and uh and be have conversation and and and be, you know, realize her call and ministry, but you got your hand in the bird cage. Come out. Give me a hug. Be affectionate. You know, and I remember I remember he was like I was like, "Bro, I'm paying you to talk about me right now."

Like, what's what's up? And he said, "You have your own wounds." And he said, "The problem in y'all's marriages is you have not provided a safe enough place for each other to be vulnerable. to give definition to dysfunction. He goes, "Try just holding your hand out and your gentleness waits for her to come out and your quietness waits for her to come out."

And I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry." You know, I get that moment. It's like I didn't want to cry, but like who's crying? And he began to talk to me about emotions. And I no one had ever taken me through the eight core emotions. And through this work of asking myself questions when things would happen in our marriage, how old do I feel right now?

What's coming up for me? Where have I felt this before? Because I did the work of what shame was. I didn't know what shame was. You know, I didn't understand insecurity and fear and joy and happiness. I thought emotional uh uh being emotional was a lack of faith.

But it actually takes faith to visit your emotions. And when I visited my emotions, I realized this and we teach this that emotions aren't bad. Emotions are intuitive indicators that the Holy Spirit allows us to feel that lets us know this environment is safe enough to heal. And so now before I have a question, before I'm verbal with Irene, I talk to two people, myself and God.

You know, one thing that I've never done is change a heart. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. So, how about I ask him, "How do you want me to handle this? What am I feeling? Is this me or her? Is this is God using her as a mirror to reflect back on me?"

Because what we fail to reflect, we will project as if that's the issue of our spouse. And so doing this work is so intentional. It started with jotting words down like anger, you know, be angry and said not. That gives me permission to touch that emotion and asking myself and now we call it marital mapping that when there's an issue in our marriage, we try to map it back before we got married and then invite the person to that place to help heal it.

So good. But I heard you say one time, Jimmy, that um Irene would be stalking you when you left is the word you use. I'm not putting words. I'm not giving him words. No, that's what she did. I mean, and I get it. I'm handsome. I understand. You know, you're and and she was doing that out of a place of it brought up a former emotion of abandonment.

Then for you, it was a cycle because you were going, I married a controlling woman. Yep. And neither one of you knew what was really under the surface of that. That's it. And I think a lot of marriages, they hit these tension points and these friction points in communication and in knowing one another and even into intimacy.

And then you become roommates and then you drift and then it's like, well, we're just not compatible anymore. Wow. But it's that we haven't dug back deep enough to go why am I feeling? What is it that is underneath that? I love that whole idea of mapping of figuring out where did that emotion begin.

Absolutely. You love emotions, right? This is so good for us right now, guys. This is his favorite topic. I charge a steak a session. Just a steak. Medium rare. We got a Capitol grill down the street. Um, I want you to talk a little bit about the insecurity thing.

You know, Daniel and I came into your lives on the victory lap and one of the things that your story taught us was that Christians don't know how to do messy. Yeah. And it was so easy to celebrate you because we weren't necessarily in the mess with you.

And so when mess in people's lives happened with us, we were like, "Wait, what?" Okay, so let me ask this question for we got two questions now because the question just came from this thought. When you were in the worst of the worst, what was the best thing and the worst thing?

Wow. That people did for the two of you? Because I feel like we don't know as believers really what to do well because messy is messy. So, it's like if I say something and it's not the right thing, I could make it worse. Or people come in too heavy.

Yeah. And it's like, I need you to go out to the front yard, please. Yeah. Or get back in your car and drive away. Yeah. So, what is the best thing that someone did for you and the not best thing someone did for you? The best thing as soon as you said that, I went to a thought and this wasn't planned.

So, this is like uh Irene was away at rehab. I was uh taking a year sabbatical from our church because I did not want to lead unhealthy. And I remember a friend calling me out of the blue and says, "Man, I haven't heard from you. That's not you."

Yeah. What's going on? And at that moment, I remember trembling. I feel the emotion right now. But it's a a gratitude emotion now. And he said, "Okay, man. I'm I'm here for you. I'm praying for you. I'm I'm I'm in the battle. Do you need some money while she's gone?

Like it was all of that. Like, do you need me to come preach for free? Like, it was all that. And I was like, "No, I'm good, man." I hung up the phone and the next day, um, I was at work. Um, I went to work out. I was big, so it wasn't long.

About 10-minute workout. Um, that's okay. Yeah. I was on the treadmill, then I got off and like, "Yeah, I'm too good for this." Stair master couldn't breathe. Um, did a ab workout. didn't work. Um, and I got a call from my kids school and they said, "Uh, Mr.

Rollins." I said, "Yeah." They said, "Um, there's someone here to see your kids." And I was like, "What do you mean? There's a Mr. Golden here." Now, the friend who called me lived in McKenna, Texas, and I lived in Baltimore, Maryland. Without any notice, he showed up at my kids' school and took my kids out to lunch and loved on them.

That is the power of a group. That is the power of community. And many people are in church and don't have anyone to call, let alone not having anyone to show up. What we have learned from that is we're going to be the friends that show up. Yeah.

Every major thing in your life, we're here. So, how can you show up for a friend? It's a co phone call. It's a listening. It's understanding that you have to listen to understand, not to respond. It's saying, "I'm here for you." Yeah. It's not saying, "I'm gonna pray for you."

It's actually doing it right there on the phone, sending a prayer text to someone. That was the best thing is people showed up. You know, I have to say for me, you were mentioning the victory lap. So, I was on the other side of rehab living beginning to live out the blessing of this freedom of not having to hide, right?

Yeah, I had to test it out. I was invited to lunch by a local pastor's wife that is now was became my mentor, Pastor Donna Basani, who happens to be here today. And she invited me to lunch and uh I'll never forget uh Laura Batterson sitting here, you there.

And I'm like, these are these women that are ma like these are they're giants in the faith, right? I was in rehab six months ago. I just went ahead and tested out. Yeah. You know, if this was if they were really if they over kale salad. That's crazy.

What have you been up to, Irene? Well, you know. Yeah. And they leaned in and they said, "Tell me more. How can I support Irene? Look at God's redeeming power." Like, Irene, look at you are you're an overcomer. You're going to help so many people get free. and they started just speaking life over me.

They didn't judge me. It was a shamefree zone. It's like the word of God became realized to me through these relationships. One, through you, Pastor Donna, and then two, through my husband, the way you loved me when I was at my worst. I'll never forget getting a letter from him and I was in rehab and I read this letter and it said, "You know what, Irene?

I chose you then and I still choose you now." And that was a moment where again the shame like just flew off of me and I began to say, "Okay, I can if he can love me that God loves me that way." what like God's love, it really does cover us and our humanity and all of these things.

And then I began to realize that you were able to, let me put it this way, he had the capacity to hold my humanity only by the grace of God because love is at its best when people are at their worst. That's how God found me. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Not when we took out the trash, not when we kept promises, not when we did you know what uh jacked up model of marriage that you know had requirements and not relationship. But I think the worst advice we got or the worst thing that happened is when I was sitting in front of a friend, another friend and I unpacked to him that as a pastor back then I was struggling with pornography. and the judgment that came upon his face.

And I realized in that moment, it's incredible how we judge people because they sin differently than us. And I think we have to as the body of Christ stop reacting to someone's worst day. What I love about the two of you, what I love about you being here at Gateway Church, what I love about you being closer to us is y'all are the kind of people that anyone would want to be around on their worst day.

Yeah. And that's what I know is coming to the culture of this church. ((applause)) Can you give some real practical handles? Let's talk about there was trust to rebuild between the two of you. There was real change that had to happen. So you you make the decision, I'm going to have grace for your humanity.

I'm going to in humility love you. Um can you give us just what practically did that look like? What take us into everyday life like Monday through Saturday? What did that look like for you guys? Go ahead. I think one of the things is like I remember my counselor talking to me about the power of gratitude that it changed the uh neural pathways from the amydala which is the fight flight or freeze to the frontal cortex which is your area of problem solving and how we had to change that.

Romans 121 and 2 I beseech you therefore brethren by the mercies of God that you would offer yourself as a living and holy sacrifice. And it then goes on to says that this is your reasonable act of worship. Again, there it is when you're talking about surrender. I had to surrender my way of communication.

The practical communication. And we now adopt this as this is how we're going to communicate. Time, tone, tact, touch, and truth. Great. Time, tone, tact, touch, and truth. And time is creating the right environment for hard honest conversations that it's not nine o'clock at night, right, when you get home from work.

When you get home from work and you've wasted all of your energy on everyone else, right? It's not on Tuesdays if that's trying to put the kids to bed. That's it. Or it's your night to connect. We're not going to have a hard conversation. You're not doing that.

Bad time. We're not talking about that then. No, not on date night. Not on date night. Um, and I think timing is so key. So, we started scheduling our arguments. We did and we had to have them in front of the counselor cuz we didn't we we were learning the tools, but they weren't solid yet.

We couldn't be trusted on our own. [laughter] So, here's a a tool for holding teeth if you argue. I know none of you do. Um, is we'd schedule it. So we realized that the environment of healing was always hijacked by hurting one another. And so we wanted our house to be an environment of healing.

And so we had to uh schedule it. So on Fridays from 11 to 11:30, this is real was our hard conversations. And then we would go ahead. You want to say the part? Start with appreciations. This was like judgmentfree zone. uh no negativity zone. So, we had to practice.

Can you believe that? We had to practice. We had to practice finding something nice to say about one another. But psychologically, it shifts your entire um psyche to uh positivity. Um and you give your spouse the generous thought when you start with appreciations. And you can't just say, "Oh, I appreciate you because uh you go to work and you provide for the family."

No, I appreciate you because you pro not only do you go to work, you are a man of integrity. Our kids get to see that you provide for our family and that means the world to me. I'm pretty amazing, huh? Yes, you are. And I think that appreciation what it does is it breeds noticing.

You begin to notice the things that your spouse is doing. Right. Right. And as you write those things down, what you practice becomes permanent. Mhm. So timing, we scheduled it. Then we had to write down what it So if we if our time was 11 to 11:30 on Friday and we got in an argument on on Saturday, we couldn't talk about it again until Friday.

And what we would do is submit our list to one another on Thursday. I'm dead serious. Were you just like silent Saturday through Friday? No, not at all. At first at first it was, but then what it turned into is when you look at your list on Thursday, you're about to submit it.

You recognize you're 13 years old. And you're petty. Come on now. You're petty. Come on. We got a whole lot of petty professionals out here today. Come on. And you're like, "Wow." Goes from 10 to like really one issue. I'm really keeping score over that. And it stopped robbing our environment.

So that's timing. Tone was just how we talked about it. So, we'd say things like this, and we teach couples this is, "Hey, I noticed when this happened. Um, it was really I was really taken aback by how you came in the house." And she would say this to me, "And what I noticed is that you were upset and I I I I just I have a vulnerable request.

Before you come home, can you text me if you had a bad day so that I can prepare an environment and understand and prepare the kids for what they're walking into? And what happens is is that tone it disarms not makes you defensive. And we teach that. So time, tone, and tact is you know the person's idiosyncrasies.

You know the areas that they're going to be defensive in. Yes. And I I want to use the example because we talked about the nine-year-old child. So we were in counseling and tact came up and I'm like I just I Jimmy is a big guy. He's large. Hippa hipp.

Everything about him is loud and not like demonstrative. It's It is who he is. But for me, I like literally want to crawl up into a ball. I'm like, you know, I get triggered back into adaptive child, abused child, and I how do I get past that moment and get come back into the present?

This is so good. Yeah. Jimmy would literally have to get on the floor, lay on the floor. when we had hard conversations. It might take me a minute to get back up, but I'm going to show y'all. [laughter] So, this to me communicated gentleness. I just feel I love you, babe.

I feel like your pose wasn't quite like that, was it? It actually was. This is how we laid on the floor. I was like, "Oh, my life. Come down here, girl." So this moment literally brought humor. We were laughing now, not taking ourselves so seriously. Now, this little 9-year-old girl like her, like I would grow up exponentially and suddenly be in my 30s again and have an adult conversation this way until I and I began to trust from his posture of humility and smallalness and gentleness.

Then the bird can come out of the cage. And what happened was is when I be started doing this, it provided a safe place for her to be vulnerable to give me definition for dysfunction. And so this is when I found out about being sexually abused and physically abused as a child.

And now I don't have to do this because I have to do it. This is the posture of humility that heals her. The problem is is that you talked about surrender is many of us aren't willing to go low, right? So that we can heal the issues of the past that we didn't even create.

Give me a second. [laughter] Have you ever thought about this? That God chose you to be his hands and feet in the context of marriage to heal your spouse. So now her wound is not mine to fix, right? It's mine to care for so that the Holy Spirit can fix it.

((applause)) What's the next T? Touch. You like that one? Yeah, touch is is just I do like it. What is I don't know if you guys have noticed how much she can't keep her hands off me. It's pretty cool. But in the heat of an argument, in an honest moment, in her coming into my world, a simple touch says, "I'm with you."

Right? I see you. I hear you. We're going to do this together. And even if you take on the posture when there's contention of touch, it does something spiritually. That whole where two or more are gathered, where does that come from? Well, it comes from first is how to deal with offense.

So now I'm dealing with offense. I'm taking it to her. I'm saying it, but I'm touching her, letting her know that the thing that I want to talk about, it's not going to divide us. I just need definition, right? So that I can care for it in a way to heal it so we don't stay in the cycle of the dance, the repetitive thing that keeps coming up over and over again.

Not because your spouse doesn't like you, but because God wants to heal you, when you accept your responsibility of the things that need to be healed. So, would a good example be when you're like having an anger uh when I would notice that you were having Y'all heard that accusation [laughter] first?

Yeah. Like, that's not that's not what we do. I'm telling you, you got to work the tools all the time. It's it's it's real hard work. But anyway, I would notice like you were maybe you were getting um frustrated or elevated in tone when you're parenting the kids.

And because of my background, I would get tense like, "Oh no, he's going to do it to my kids. He's going to do it to my kids. Oh my god, it's going to happen." Like, you know, the mama bear is just like rising up. And all I had to do was just do this.

And I'm telling you, it just instead of, let me tell you, if I said, "Jimmy, you're being loud." or can you not talk to the kids that way? He would feel I'm disrespecting and we're not on the same team in front of the kids. Right? So the simple touch, I don't even have to say anything.

Say anything. He now it disarms him, especially with our and gives him a chance. So here's the here's the deal. Urgency is your worst enemy. Wow. And your breath is your best friend. That touch that was so good. I want to make out right now. That was so good.

Oh my god. I'm sorry. I mean, my daughter's like, "Ew, that's how you got here." True. You're gonna You're going to be okay. But literally, that touch makes you take a breath. Yeah. And not be so quick to speak. Yeah. I think the I'm sorry. Go ahead. You finish.

No. the the touch um is just so for me like if with my son because he's male. Yeah. And Irene's not. Yeah. Like and I don't get a opinion on how she raises the girls but she wants opinion on how we raise him cuz she's male. I don't have an attitude.

Yeah. [laughter] You know, I said he was half amazing. It is really difficult for me having an adult kid to allow them to make mistakes that I've already walked through and I say, "Son, my obstacles are your hurdles if you'll listen. But it doesn't always come out soft like that."

I literally told Irene, "If I go to hell, it's your son's fault." But now we've created such a connectivity that she can just touch me and it says, "Hey, um, you don't want to be what my abuser was to me verbally to your son." And that touch just I don't get defensive.

I'm just like, "Thank you for safety because I don't I want to break a stronghold, not ensure it." So good. So this is the redemption story on this side. Did you get to all the T's? The last one is truth. Truth. Well, it's simple. The truth will set you free.

Mhm. But it depends on how you say it. Depends on how you say it. To your spouse. She can say, "Hey, you ain't got no abs." I said, "That's how you met me, girl." remember. But if she says, "Hey, honey, I really want you to be around for our kids and I'm concerned at 52 years old with your gut gut health and I really know that you believe in legacy.

Would you help? Can I help you? Can we work out together?" It's a completely different It's truth with love. Yeah. So now you see that all the fight and the work was worth it. Yeah. But what kept you fighting and working when you didn't see the end in sight yet?

Let me see. I'm not going to start talking because then you're going to interrupt me. So go ahead. True, true, true. I'm just thinking for maybe couples here tonight that are like, we've tried. It's so hard. It's not getting better. Why is it worth it to fight for your marriage?

So, I had no idea. No idea when I walked down the aisle and said, "I do." I thought I knew what love was and what intimacy was. And I had no clue what it was until we were at our worst. So, keep fighting. The work is worth it.

I promise you there's more. And it's not just about hitting rock bottom or having a story like ours where you're overcoming something super dramatic like addiction. It might be a health crisis. You might be married for, you know, 35, 40 years. We have couples in our coaching that have been married 45 years.

They're still doing the work because there's more. And I am a testimony of what I didn't even think existed. what I thought was unforgivable or that I could never say out loud was actually the thing that brought me closest to my husband. So, the work is worth it.

I think for me the main thing was is our children and it's our children deserve to have a good model of the theology of suffering from home and teaching them the principles that I may know him in the power of his resurrection but also in the fellowship of his suffering.

And many of us stop at suffering when resurrection power is on the verge of breaking through. I I told a story once. We all know the Joshua fought the battle of Jericho. And God told Joshua and his army for six days you're going to march around the city once.

And on the seventh day, it's going to be seven times, which is six times harder than every other day. six times harder. The last day was six times harder than every other day. Which says to me is this. Six times harder with hindsight bias was actually six times closer.

But many of us stop marching when it's hardest. Yes. Not realizing that the wall is close is close to coming down if we keep on fighting. Very good. Can you thank our friends for being with us? We love you guys. Love you guys. The work is worth it.

So good. ((applause)) Well, if you would turn your attention to the screen, we want you to hear a story of how God did a miracle in the life of a couple in our church. So, if you would check out the screens. the whole session cleared out and she turned to me and she said, "Hey, is there something that ((music playing)) you need to tell me?"

Aaron and I got married in 2011. We were both very career oriented, very career focused, and we had just really lost track of what was important in our marriage. ((music playing)) Brett and I made a great team, but we really just went our separate ways in our life, and we did not develop any intimacy.

I ended up ((music playing)) in a fiveweek long physical affair. And it wasn't until it turned emotional when I knew that I wanted ((music playing)) my marriage, but I had no idea how I was going to tell Brett. I ((music playing)) had just gotten home from a trip and Aaron pulled me over to the couch and ((music playing)) told me she needed to tell me something.

And that's when she said that she had been having an affair. He left immediately and filed for divorce ((music playing)) 9 days later. I was completely lost. He wouldn't speak to ((music playing)) me. I didn't know what to do. And I started to fill out the paperwork. But I had a friend that reached out to me and she said, "You have to ((music playing)) fight for your marriage.

You have to do everything you can to try to win it back." And so I started my journey of just growing closer to the Lord, working on ((music playing)) myself, knowing that that was going to be the first step for any sort of reconciliation possibility. Meanwhile, during ((music playing)) our separation, I'd been engaging in my own affair.

I was living a lie. And how could I come forward with that? Through all of ((music playing)) that, I was praying for Brett and praying for the opportunity that he would let me in. Shortly after she convinced me to go to the Gateway Marriage Conference in 2022, I knew if there was any chance of reconciliation, ((music playing)) um, I was going to have to end up sharing my own affair.

If you heard truth, and you know it was the truth that the Lord brought to you today, take it and then do something. The whole session cleared out and my wife and I were sitting in the balcony and she turned to me and said, "Hey, I feel like I need to ((music playing)) ask you.

Is there anything that you need to tell me?" Finally, I turned to her um and said, "Well, since we've been separated, I've been having an affair." And you know, that was really the beginning of the recommmitment because it was really in that moment where we were both fully known and seen by one another.

And by the grace of ((music playing)) God, we recommitted and we let the Lord start to rebuild our marriage from the ground up. So, he moved ((music playing)) in uh just 2 days before Christmas. It was a long road to recovery, and ((music playing)) we spent a lot of time working on ourselves and growing our relationship with God.

We started a marriage group. Well, actually, my ((music playing)) wife started the marriage group. I would have never had the strength or the courage to do that. We all hit dry spells in our marriages and our faith. And the only way to really grow is to have community, to have someone sitting across from you who can share in their hurt and their ((music playing)) loss or their joy.

And now I have 20 people I can call on, you know, to ((music playing)) share in grief or to share in joy. I'm such a proponent of having community and getting involved with your gateway small groups. ((music playing)) Come on, let's thank God for what he did in their lives. ((applause)) Wow. We've heard a lot, learned a lot, and uh I fully believe that through everything communicated, the Holy Spirit's been doing his own conversations that he's been talking to many of you individually.

And been unearthing some things in your heart and your life. And I believe that some of you, you're sitting here and your heart is about to beat out of your chest because you're like, I've got to get honest. I've got to talk to someone. I need to pray with someone.

And so, we don't want to end the night without giving you the opportunity to have a moment of response. So, in just a moment, I'm going to invite our prayer team up to the front, and they'll also be in the balcony as well. We just want to take a moment for for God to do what God wants to do in your heart.

And I really want to encourage you. For some of you, you're like, "No, we can go home and we'll take care of it. We'll talk through it." How's that worked so far? If that would have worked, you wouldn't be at the place you are now. This is why you need the body of Christ.

And I just tell you in this place, there's no shame. Some of you may be thinking, "What will people think if I we get out of our seat and we go down and we pray with something?" We'll think, "Good for you. You're taking the right steps, moving in the right direction."

[music and applause] And so I ask our prayer team if they would to make their way to the front. I'm going to ask everyone in the room if you would stand to your feet. The team's going to lead us in a song. And just during this song, I want to encourage you to slip out.

People will move. They'll get out of your way. Maybe you're as a couple, you're like, I don't know that we want to walk down by oursel. Maybe you're sitting beside somebody you know and say, will you walk us down ((music playing)) together? This is what the body of Christ does.

This is what the family of God does. And so, even now, if God is speaking to you, you make your way out. Maybe you're here and you're kind of just coasting in your marriage. You'd say, "I just we want a new fire. We want a renewed passion. We want someone to pray with us."

Here's what I don't want you to do is walk ((music playing)) out of here and not have had the opportunity to be ministered to and to put at the altar the things that God is saying to you. So, as the team leads us, you just slip out. Our team will guide you.

We're here. We'll stay. We'll pray with you as long as we need to. And we're believing that God's going to do something miraculous ((music playing)) in this place tonight. So, let's worship together. Come on, let's come before the Lord tonight. Can we sing? Oh, come to the altar. Oh, yeah.

And oh, ((music playing)) come to the altar. The Father's [music and singing] arms are open wide. forgiveness was bought ((music playing)) with the preious blood of Jesus ((music playing)) Christ. Oh, come to the altar. For the ((music playing)) father's [singing] arms are open wide. forgiveness who was ((music playing)) bought away for the preious blood of Jesus Christ. Oh, come to the altar.

((music playing)) Oh, the father's arms are open wide. ((music playing)) forgiveness for bought away for the preious blood of Jesus Christ. Oh, ((music playing)) come to the altar. For the father's arms ((music playing)) are open wide. forgiveness ((music playing)) was bought away for the precious blood of Jesus ((music playing)) Christ. We thank you Jesus. We sing a singer. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) We sing hallelujah [singing] for Christ is rising.

Come on. ((music playing)) We bow down before he is. ((music playing)) Sing hallelujah. Christ is rising. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Yeah. ((music playing)) Sing hallelujah for ((music playing)) Christ is ris ((music playing)) ((music playing)) ((music playing)) away Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) The father of sorrow and witness ((music playing)) was born for the preious blood of Jesus ((music playing)) Christ. Thank you Jesus. Oh we thank you Jesus. Oh we thank you for the blood.

We thank you for the blood. We thank you for the blood that ((music playing)) washes us clean. Oh, we thank you for the blood. We thank you for ((music playing)) the blood. We thank you for the blood that washes us clean and over the savior. We sing it to him. Isn't he?

Yes, Lord. We sing halle. Yes. Hallelujah. Christ is worth. Come on, we surrender tonight. We surrender before him. Bow down before [singing] him [snorts] for he is Lord. We sing hallelujah. Christ is ris. Come on. Oh, what a savior. Keep your eyes on him. Oh, what a savior. you. Come on, sing it to him.

Oh, isn't he ((music playing)) wonderful? We sing hallelujah. Lift it up. Oh, Christ is rising. Thank you, Lord. We bow down before him. Come on, for he is Lord. Yes, you are. We sing hallelujah. [snorts] Christ is rising. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. I know we have some things to do after an after party, but God is just doing work in the hearts and lives of people.

So, we're just going to stay in this moment for a moment. if you'd just mind to have some patience and let God do his work as people continue to come down. And if you're like, man, I should have gone down. There's still time. You can still come. But we're just going to let God do what God wants to do.

Is that okay, everybody? Amen. So, Matthew, why don't you lead that one more time for us? Can we sing? Oh, what a savior. Oh, what a savior. Isn't he wonderful? Sing hallelujah. ((music playing)) Christ is ris. We bow [music and singing] down before him for he is Lord of all. We sing hallelujah.

((music playing)) Christ is risen. One more time we sing. ((music playing)) Oh what a [singing] savior. Oh what a savior. ((music playing)) reason he were born. Sing hallelujah. Christ is risen. ((music playing)) We bow down before he ((music playing)) sing hallelujah. Christ is reason. ((music playing)) We don't want to say ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) Heat. Heat. ((music playing)) ((music playing)) Don't be ((music playing)) ((music playing)) hallelujah.

God, we're so grateful for the work that you are beginning in the hearts and lives of your people, of your sons and daughters. We're so grateful that you are faithful. You are faithful to finish the work that you started. May our hearts be yielded, submitted. May our hands be open.

May you guide us. And may we be humble enough to listen, but bold enough to be obedient to walk it out every single day. And it's in the mighty name of Jesus we pray. Amen. Amen. Hasn't tonight and I been awesome. ((music playing)) You may be out there and your heart's still pounding, the Lord's still speaking, and you still feel pulled to come forward for prayer.

If you haven't come forward and you need to come forward for prayer, we'll stay as long as we need to to make sure that every need in the house is prayed for. Amen. It's not too late. You can come forward right now. Hey, just a couple of things to let you know about before we dismiss.

You want to know this? We love a good next step here. For many of you, this was your first step. But your next step needs to be a part of a marriage group, a small group, like Pastor Daniel said, ((music playing)) a place where you can take the mask off and be seen.

Develop community. Hey, just outside these doors at Connect Central, we have a team that would love to be able to connect with you and give you those next steps to help you find your people, your pantry people. Don't make this the end. Make this the beginning of something that God wants to do in your life.

Amen. Hey, the next thing all of my guys, can I can I hear my guys in the house? Any guys? Come on. Some of that was a little too high. Come on. It's got to be more baritone in there. Hey, you want to put April 24th on your calendar because we are going to have all of our campus men uniting right here.

You don't want to miss out. April 24th, guys, you better be here. Amen. We look forward to seeing you there. That's right. And as Pastor Daniel mentioned, the night is not over. We have an afterparty happening in the lobby. It's time to have a little mini date. Just one thing to keep in mind, kids ministry closes at 9:30.

So, make sure if ((music playing)) you have kids in kids ministry, pick them up before then. But head on out to the lobby for our afterparty. We've got live music. We've got photo ops, snacks, ((music playing)) and drinks. Enjoy the time with your spouse tonight. We love you guys. Have a great night.

We'll see you this weekend as we continue the series. It's complicated. ((music playing)) Love you.