Free Chapel Young Adults Podcast | EP. 9 Sex Lust Trauma

that's crazy man let's get back to Jesus guys let's focus summer house what's going on Free Chapel young adults and welcome back to the Free Chapel young adult podcast we are in our summer House series we are in the month of July we finished up four conference which was am amazing but we're excited to be here again I'm here with some amazing co-hosts if I haven't met you my name is Aaron Marshall I am the young adult Pastor uh here at Free Chapel as well as the Director of Free Chapel college and I'm here with some amazing family and friends to our far left we have Pastor Jordan Ball what's up young doe pastor at our Midtown campus shout out to Midtown and then we have Pastor Jason back with us OC all from OC Orange County and I'm excited about this is not a guest but another host the host of hosts not the Holy Ghost not the Holy Ghost not the Holy Ghost but like the Holy Ghost In the Flesh I felt that one can y'all give it up to my wife my boo my friend the bishop oh gosh okay what else should we call her that's it I think Queen you call O queen queen of the queen of ya queen of ya wow that's a good one miss Christa Marshall hey honey hello hey I'm on I'm here guys I'm you are and how you feel about the topic we're talking about and you being the only woman on the podcast you know I mean I'm here I'm holding it down for us women so I'm ready to roll I'm ready to talk and I'm gonna ask some questions I can't wait it's gonna be good oh wait you're asking question no we asking you questions this we're all interviewing you I don't think she got the memo you guys but we're interviewing you but we're excited that you are here um again we're in our summer house um and one thing we want to say before we get started uh Free Chapel young adult podcast isn't like it separate entity we are under a great umbrella that is the Free Chapel Church led by our senior pastor Pastor Jensen Franklin and Miss shares Franklin um again we just want to say on top we love you guys appreciate you guys we couldn't do this without you thank you for your heart your vision um and your blessing to allow us this space to um help the next generation of young adults who are trying to navigate this Walk With Jesus so we honor you we love you and we're excited that we get to do this but y absolutely y' we talking about something spicy today spicy real spicy spicy summer house about to get real summer sum what's that breathing I know what are you doing I don't know why I'm talking like this I feel like it goes with the with the thing he sweating already God but y'all we're talking about sex lust pornography yeah mhm all the things all the things that is just really big and prevalent in the culture right now even down to in the church I read a stat that it was something crazy please I don't want to butcher it but it was a high percentage it was like three out of five or something like that people in church battle with masturbation and pornography and that blew my mind yeah to where you got to be careful cuz you start walking around Church like are you one of those three five you know what I mean but it's like you got to be careful but it's something that is literally destroying Souls messing up marriages um and it's so much evil and darkness around it and we're here to talk about it not to shame people not to condemn people but to give context and Aid in helping people be set free give practical tools but also I feel like what a lot of these podcast a lot of people talk about like what it does like the you know negative things that pornography and those things cause but I feel like a lot of people don't talk about like the why like why are people gearing or navigating toward those things so let's pop it off honey you you want to get us going you want I'm quing backing this to you okay so we're talking about the why why are people into pornography and masturbation I mean we can start with just the simple science of it as far as the brain and it's just you know they're able to see something that is giving them an adrenaline rush and kind of giving them something that they're not getting on an everyday level so I think that even in that regard it's just because people are looking to have a high naturally and they are looking for self gratification the flesh is strong and so what we have to do I mean I think as a church and as a people is to make sure that we're dying of our flesh daily and when we're not doing that you know everything of the flesh is going to just supersede what the spirit wants to do now let me ask you this in your line of work what are just some things you've seen in terms of people's experience or experiences that have led them down that path of pornography masturbation what are some things you've seen so um Early Childhood trauma is number one I would say people that have experienced um child sexual abuse um are have a very high rate of look going into pornography and different things just because they've been sexualized super early and sometimes people do not actually deal with that because they don't know how so then they're still looking for that hey I want to I still have this desire so because of that you know they're looking at pornography and different things like that so that's one of the things trauma as well um some of the other things that we kind of talk about before is even just exposure what they exposed to not even necessarily um the physical act of sexual abuse but um what you've seen and kind of some of the things that you've been around in your life so we've had conversations U with different people um you know I talked to a lot of young guys and they have said they were exposed to uh pornography and stuff a family member it was a cousin or a brother they were like hey watch this look at this MH and then it cuz I don't think we realize the trauma in that mhm because at certain age especially if people were exposed you know 8 10 years old their brains haven't fully sort of developed and they're not at a place of majority of being able to see a naked human and decipher okay what is that so there's this traumatic response but it there's this feeling that's high that comes with it I've had even some of my younger clients that are seven and eight um describe to me the first time they've seen pornography yeah and they said they wanted to throw up that was the first initial thought because their brains could not comprehend what they were watching wow and it would make them literally sick to their stomach to where they didn't feel good and then because of that their brains would start kind of sticking on it so for instance if you guys have a thought that's impulsive sometimes you're going to kind of keep going to that thought so that's what happens in their seven and 8-year-old brain to where they keep going back and forth and back and forth to that thought to where then they're like huh let me start entertaining that again and then that's where that pattern comes up but yeah initially their their brains can't even process that which is sad you know no it is I mean whatever you guys heard in pastoral ship have you heard of different stories of how people got sort of hooked to pornography or masturbation I'm just curious to hear your thoughts on that it's it's tough nowadays because it doesn't even start like so blatantly it's like hidden in little details of even kids shows and all these different things and what they see on billboards and so it's everywhere and so that's the even thing as a parent of man being extra careful about what I'm letting LCA my 3 and half-year-old like um be exposed to and it's it is a bummer that you have to kind of overthink every one of those things but it's the unfortunately it's it's everywhere and it starts at a young age I remember the first time like um I realized that something was wrong in what I was viewing was a friend and it was in it was at a family friend's house and there were these two neighbors that came over and they put on a movie I was like what is happening here and it was something that like it bugged me right away when I saw it I knew it was something that it made me feel typ away that I was like I knew this isn't right yeah like it's like is this real but just because something's real doesn't make it true and so when I walk I was like this is this is so I REM removed myself from the room me and my sister got out but um that's what and I was I think I was in seventh grade um but even nowadays it happens even um earlier I don't know if you can can test that too yeah I think especially for me just from my personal story was like same thing sixth seventh grade like you somebody gives you a magazine and like to the same thing where you're just like what am I looking at but there is like you said that desire where it's like there's something wrong about this but there's still that desire to like want to look at it more and I think that's kind of where my journey started so I always say like you know when it comes to addictions addictions sometimes happen by accident but they stay because of habits and so like to me it was like the habit of wanting to continue to see continue to look at and stuff and I didn't grew up in a Christian household so you know to me I would get like you know get caught you get punished right it's like that's bad don't look at that and you're like man but but I sure like what I'm looking at you know it's like but but it's like once I got saved it was the understanding that like that's a that's a genuine human being like that's a person you know and like what you're doing and what you're seeing is somebody who might be in an industry that might not want to be in it that might be being us and so that was where I had to wrap my brain around where cuz you think of all this Stu as like that's not a real person that's not really happening but like that that's a reality that somebody actually is living in and so that was something that began to change me on the inside where it's like that's a human being that's that's God's baby that's God's child so I mean that happened to me I was you know introduced by a cousin and I think I was like 8 years old and it was the same thing I literally wanted to throw up like I remember I can just vividly go back to that memory like I felt so sick like and then every time they would try I was scared and I would run yeah and it's so crazy how the enemy man he's so strategic like my cousin started making fun of me mhm like oh you you know you a punk you this that and other but then one of the things you said the word that came to me was Cur curiosity yeah there's this now curiosity of like well and then you peek at it one time and you pe at it again and there's this like weird feeling and all of a sudden you go about your business you feel something and now you're drawn to what those images was and what you saw yeah um and I mean once that happened it was like man this spiral into it to where it was like and it almost becomes normal yeah it's like oh it's like what you do and it's just a way the enemy gets you just deeper deeper into it and I think that's kind of the one of the internal ways it happens but you touched on it man we the external yeah we live in a hypersexual culture I'm sitting watching blippy with the kids and then there's a commercial with two men kissing or I'm watching Blues yeah like you know I'm just trying to enjoy a show a innocent show I'm watching Bluey with the kids and then you know it could be a commercial of a couple kissing but like the kids seeing that they're like What's that and now it's this curiosity of like not that curiosity is that's the thing that what sin does it warps something that is actually you know curiosity of like I love the scripture of you know perhaps these things in life happen so we can feel our way towards the Lord like things in that life happen so we can be like okay what is you know I'm feeling my way towards Jesus back to Jesus sin will take that and warp it like what are you curious about yeah and like take that Curiosity and make it something that's kind of be a a tool to for the enemy to get to our heart and that's what the the tricky part is with especially with lust too it's like we put a boundaries in different areas of life in our heads we're like here's the boundary but what happens is we're like let let me get as close to the boundary as I can and I'm trusting myself to not pass the boundary when I'm there ain't going to happen and then you pass it okay well now the new boundar is here mhm so you get as close to that boundary as you can and eventually you keep into the boundary that's kind of what happens with curiosity too take one Peak okay well that I already did that so maybe this is fine but go a little further and that's how it kind of starts warping your your mind yeah yeah that's good something also even regarding lust I see this in women a lot like whenever we're talking they're like hey so I'm feeling lustful blah blah blah blah blah I got to pray this lust out and honestly it's not lust sometimes it's just the season of the cycle that you're in for that time of the month and I think it's really important for us as women especially to be able to understand our bodies and understand I'm talking to you guys like y'all y y have wies but I'm like yeah I knew all this absolutely yeah cycle but it's important for us to know what's God and what he's intended for us and then what is the enemy because sometimes like I've had women say well I'm already lusting so I might as well you know and that's just the enemy coming in and trying to have them go down a path that literally you're just an ovulation you know literally your body's just preparing you to have a baby but because you're not that's when you have to die of your flesh and keep it moving kind of a thing so I think that's something really important I mean same thing with guys like you know I and this is rated RS so for those watching trigger warnings and all that you need to know we we going to get into it but you know I I I remember just even as a pastor talking to young men feeling guilty about having an erection it's like bro like God created that like you're not weird for having an erection but think about a young kid who gets a young boy who gets a erection for the first time like that's just like the Lord showing you that there's blood running through your you know what I mean being able to explain to them the the innocence and what that's about but the enemy man will come in and manipulate it and use it to bring darkness and War it and warp it to your point cuz it's we were actually talking about this last night how the enemy will use anything and this is why we got to teach people and people got to be guarded because um you mind if I share I don't know what you're about to say I just I got to ask okay okay okay I mean we're already you asked on camera like I know you can say no she can say no and then what but then we keep but women you have the app app yes yeah it's just the ovulation app and all that kind of stuff just kind of keeps you on cycle that's it this is only for young adult married men I would highly recommend you get acquainted with your wife's Flow app and it's a great conversation tool for when it's party time but that's neither here there we'll move on we're just neither here're we're just here right literally however though one of the things my wife was sharing was that like it's it's in context of worldly app and exp to them some of the things that they had on that app which blew my mind I I mean for those of you that don't understand it just kind of tracks through the cycle of a calendar like what's going on through that time so you understand your body a little bit better right now with that being said down at the bottom it has tips and tools and all this kinds of stuff um I was showing Aon when we were kind of talking about this I was like look at these tips nine ways to achieve an orgasm by yourself how to enjoy sexual pleasure alone masturbation is not a bad thing this is what you need to know before you get into a relationship all of these things that are kind of just gearing a woman to just self- gratify without being married and what that does is kind of what we were talking about before it just perpetuates selfishness and selfish desire and it takes away what God has created sex to be but yet it's setting you up for failure in your marriage essentially yeah and but that's the thing it's like things like that hey please yourself and know what it's like before you're married it's but it's all these things throughout the culture I me I think of man you can't sometimes listen to songs about it being without it being sexually explicit it's like how you trying to like just ride in the car and listen to some date night music and it's talking about like some crazy stuff like I won't even go into I won't even go into it but it's wild or you watch a movie and you're like man this movie good and all of a sudden in 10 seconds there's naked bodies you're like can I watch anything that doesn't have yeah come on Oppenheimer we didn't have to we didn't have to include that for 15 minutes that movie movie and it was like me and Chris and was funny can I tell the story I don't know I know I keep saying can I tell the story bro we were actually on a plane going to OC yes we were oh I remembering we were watching it together we was watching it together whatever watching it on the plan dropping a bom now again nobody knows I'm a bastard right nobody knows but I'm on the plane and I'm like watching this movie I'm like man this m be good and we're into it and all of a sudden just naked bodies I'm like oh I'm like trying to get it off the screen Chris is like get it off I'm your I was so mad she I didn't know that was in there not you I was just mad at that's even exposure to maybe some kids that are sitting next to us you know like why is that on an airplane why is that something that people and should be exposed to because somebody else is watching that and so I went there and I'm just mad at Delta you know but in reality you know goes in a hole like that this is why Barbie should have won best picture not no but these are just the subtle ways and to those examples for a person that doesn't know truth yes that doesn't understand and even people that like read the Bible that doesn't know the true understanding that truth of what sex is for how God created it why he created it for those that don't know because a lot of times people will get into pornography masurbation because they're like it's nowhere in the Bible sure but if they're constantly being fed filled fi daily in music in movies in shows and commercials in apps in you know what I mean like yeah you you are what you consume in context and if you're constantly consuming or seeing those images and the enemy will use that to draw you into a place and you said it you'll push the boundary yeah but also I mean it is it is in the Bible not not maybe like out of the Overflow of the heart the mouth speaks you really think what you're seeing is just a visual no it's an emotional thing it warps how you you know um decipher feeling uh even in relationships it warps uh you know how you um receive love and give love and how you view women and how you um prefer women it's just that that's it does something to you and you maybe even start speaking in a different way and acting in a different way I think it is it it's clear clear the Bible but I think sometimes we live in a a world where people want like it's spelled out do not you know partake it like they want it like but this is I think one of the episodes we talked about um when our relationship with God gets stale this is why you just keep pursuing you keep pursuing because in that Pursuit God will highlight and illuminate things in this world in his word that you didn't see before yeah definitely like I think of in context to you talked about visuals and seeing and having those images we know Romans 12 talks about and I love the NLT version do not be conformed to the patterns of this world yeah but if you keep studying the Bible you start to learn different things of what the world means what what is he talking about and I think of First John I think it's first John 2 it talks about you know the world like and then as he's talking about you know basically the world opposing the things of God he says the lust of the eyes the lust of the flesh the pride of life and I believe that's an area where people are literally that that Bible verse man I think it's uh 1 John 2:15 and 16 um to me that's like one that really when I think of pornography sex and lust and things of that nature that one always comes to mind because it's the lust of the eyes yeah what do I see like the enemy wants us to see things and just stay on it yeah and I think of being conformed to the patterns of this world I'm going to be conformed to the things that are constantly on my mind definitely yeah so if I'm seeing it yeah if I'm watching it even subconsciously yeah and this is why people oh social media is not bad man but when you're strolling yeah you guys know this but for those are that are watching I don't do social media it'll be four years that I haven't done social media M and there's like thousands of reasons why but I knew it was real when I would like um be looking at social media and I started seeing my students in bikinis oh I said oh I threw my I said it's a rap it's just I don't need to see it don't need to see it don't need to have it don't need to don't even need to mess around with it but like sometimes we'll like make an excuse in our mind like well man this is innocent sure but the enemy wants the lust of the for us to see it and press the boundaries like and make it casual yeah yeah well even like Samson and Delilah like where Samson met Delila was the valley of Sor so if you don't know the Old Testament story but he meets her at this Valley right it's in between Philistine and Israel and that and he meets at the valley of Sor which is the line between the two M so he meets her on the line and so like I think the thing is always like the enem is always going to get you to try and meet him on the line like you said he's always going to try and push it but I know a lot of people who are like Christians and people of faith that like struggle in this area and they've almost quit on their faith because this is like so hard and they can't seem to overcome it so I would love to even hear like you know what are ways to to overcome what what what do we do you know especially to somebody out there that's watching that's like how do I overcome this cuz I feel like quitting and you know it's it's like one of those things where you feel like the biggest hypocrite because you go to church on Sunday you worship on Tuesday and you're like I love Jesus yeah yeah yeah but then at night or with with a different person you're like but I'm still participating in this and this is just my personal opinion but I remember uh one of our friends was uh they uh my wife and our friend uh her and her boyfriend started like living together but they weren't saying they were living together and uh they're like we're sleeping in the same like we're sleeping in the same bed but we're not doing that and yet again it's only a matter of time before that line presses well she was trying to get him to be reached and she was trying to reach him for Jesus and I told her I was like you're actually doing more damage than him so you need to let him go she she's like what do you mean I was like because you guys are sitting down here having a Bible study but then you're going upstairs to him he's going to go why would I ever want to be a Christian when you're doing the same thing as me you know I would just love to hear from you guys like what are some practical things that you know that young adults can do for this looking at me again huh so I think one of the things first and foremost just the scripture reference that I think about the scripture I think it's in Ephesians you would you guys would know pastors but um whatsoever things are true whatsoever things are just whatsoever things are of a good report think of these things and it is hard to walk into any kind of masturbation if you're thinking about the good things of God so what is your mind focused on you know like you you can't I mean who really masturbates and thinks about oh the trees are so beautiful today you know like that's not a thing and so it's really important Listen to Oceans Listen to Oceans or all of a sudden yeah so but it's important to really see keep your mind focused on the things of God that are good and then just some tangible everyday things like again women know your Cycles so if you know that there's going to be a time of the month where you're feeling a little bit more frisky than normal do something go outside go run go do keep yourself occupied and busy um another thing that we see a lot of times is that people are exhausted and they're tired and when you're tired the enemy will come and wreak havoc M so make sure you're resting so if you're exhausted put your phone away if you're exhausted just go straight to sleep because right then you're opening a door for the enemy to come in and come and try to do whatever old habits that you had at one point so you have to a stand on scripture but also to like do your part sure like your part is going to you're going to have a part you can't just expect God to do it for you yeahh yeah I think even not even with the masturbation and pornography thing but with just lust in general there is a it's not just for people in relationships like I I want to touch on that really quick too because the enemy will always he's for every men in Ministry that I've known um the enemy attacks so often with lust yeah and so there are boundaries you need to put up but one of the things is like little simple things like for me um not only to honor my wife honor myself and honor the other person I'll never text uh you know a girl after 10: p.m. yeah you know and if somehow I need to text a leader it'll be a group chat with me and Amanda things like that um never be one-on-one even in an elevator things like that I remember one time I went to like a a diner and I was ordering um I was ordering at the cashier and she um was being really friendly and she's like oh my gosh your necklace is so cute and I was like oh thanks my wife got it for me because I'm just like in in those moments what if I was having a rough time with my wife and without even knowing that compliment fueled me in a way that I wasn't getting a compliment from my wife yeah oh I like your hair thank you my wife it's like how how many times can I kick it back to Amanda can I honor my wife even when she's not there it sounds silly but those little things I'm just like I want to be like I want that to be a habit so that when the going gets tough like I I'm I'm I got Foundation of like these are habits I put in my life routines habits lifestyle that eventually becomes and the same thing with like protecting yourself with you know knowing yourself and knowing cycles and different time why why are you putting yourselves in situations when you know you're going to be more more vulnerable like why are you going to that party why are you going out to watch that movie when you already knew that um you know anyone but you was going to include some scenes like don't don't put yourself in those situations why are you seeing those things why you you understand that you already saw the reviews on Oppenheimer like don't do it he didn't even see worry Delta Delta should Delta but things like that it's like I think asking yourselves your yourself like what your motive is like why are you doing that in the first place you have to put boundaries up you have to put habits up and hopefully those things will eventually protect you from things that you're not even uh prepared for because you're already prepared that's great I think like you got to stop trusting yourself yeah like most people don't want to hear that cuz they're like oh I can trust myself I'm a Christian I'm a Christian I can trust I don't need somebody I don't need accountability what are you talking about yeah don't trust yourself because you're going to fall like like you have to bring some people in your world and like you said like not being alone you were the one who told me about like you know uh group text you know with another female and I was like oh dang that's a good idea so when girls would text me and I like immediately put Isabelle in there and she' like you put me in that text I was like yes ma'am of course I'm going to do it but like it's like one of those things where you you told me you're like you'll watch sometimes the demeanor change and like you would see the text message change you see their demeanor in the text message change and I'm like man you were you were so right about that but like to me I I don't trust myself to necessarily be alone so like you know even my wife's at work like on my days off I'm usually actually not at the house I go out and I'll Golf and I'll get away because like me being alone it's like it's just not a good idea you're just opening up a door of course I have devotional time with Jesus but one of the reasons why I started switching it to the morning super early is because like it's 5:00 a. am I'm going after him and then I go to the gym but the same thing it's like I'm not being alone so I would say to some of those young adults like stop trying to trust yourself and Empower yourself to get through this bring somebody around you and also to say I know we talk a lot about confession you know confess your sins to one another so you might be healed well just because you confess and you have healing doesn't mean you don't need to change your habits sometimes we get healed with from something with that and like we're like okay cool I don't feel this burden I don't feel this condemnation that's great but hey guess what you got to build some abits as you were talking about around that now little oh Sor goe it's like it we think that we can handle the big things but we're not taking care of little things it's like little stress fractures that build up over time and then eventually ends up with a big snap and um if we're not taking care of ourselves with the little things it'll lead to the big things and I think one of the things y touched on is the things we have to guard externally yeah but we got to guard the things internally that's great like you mentioned one of the things that lead people to this is trauma and I a practical thing that I believe young adults can do that I did when God brought me to a place of coming to a place of celibacy was man Psalm 26 and 139 test me and search me because when I was praying that dangerous prayer God was showing me me and showing me some of the wise yeah you know and it could be God showing you yeah like you're hurting and you're looking for validation and comfort and right now this is your drug yeah you have this trauma that the enemy now thwarted your sexual appetite and he's now made it super dark and he's gotten you on this path so praying for God to kind of show you God show me the area or down to you know how many young guys I talk to and eight times out of 10 if they do it it's because they're home alone playing video games M and it's because there's this high in video games and they're alone and then they're kind of bored and they want to add some spice so they do that so Lord showing you when I'm bored hey Let Me Entertain myself we talked about that one of the other podcast with seeking the Lord let me pray let me or let me not just be in that same environment cuz I know when I am then but dealing with the internal things because as you're dealing with your soul as you're dealing with your mind even down to so many women do it because they want the pleasure and you can you know speak on this respectfully because they want the pleasure of feeling something feeling love feeling value and it's like if no one else is going to do it then I have to do it so it's dealing with your soul the Eternal uh internal aspect of who you are because you know the internal a lot of times dictates the external like who we are our heart posture even dict dictates what we watch or what we're willing to watch because you know I want God to have my heart I believe he has it so I'm not going to allow myself to watch anything that alters my heart posture to God yeah so there's conviction yeah like I don't need this I don't need that I won't watch this I wanton I don't need to listen to that because this is reserved I am a living sacrifice don't even open that door I don't even need to open that door I don't even have that conversation I don't because what a lot of people are doing is they're trying to do all these external things let me just read let me just do but they're not allowing those things to form their soul their heart mind you know what I mean and you can do all these steps but if it's not transforming and forming you to the image of Christ then it's null and void oh I was going to say like it's so great you said that because like you're actually loving yourself yes and I think lust takes love gives and so like what you're doing in that moment is you're actually loving and honoring you we always talk about love and honor people but Jesus did say love your neighbor yes as you love yourself there is an aspect of loving you treating and taking care of you that like your soul needs to be loved and cared for think about that verse I talked about first John the pride of life what is pride pride is arrogance and ego and self and Des it's me it's my and we don't realize even in the context of having sex outside of marriage like we don't know the damage we can do to somebody yeah that actually kind of takes me into what you were saying and then also kind of with you too love your neighbor I think that for us as women for us as men y'all as men it's important for us to love our brothers and sisters so what that looks like is I remember when Aon and I were dating tell them baby like it was important it was important for me to not do anything suggestive to make him fall so I think that that is a different kind of level of love that we need to kind of take into practice as well um when we're around the opposite sex or somebody that we're attracted to to where we're not in innately seducing a person to like us so I think it's really important especially for us as women because sometimes that can just be our nature and we have to die of that but like not be seductive not wear certain things to make a man look at us in a certain way to where we're egging on a lustful thought or a lustful desire and not saying that like you know what whatever they think is our fault but when we're intentionally and we're maliciously doing things it's important for us to take responsibility at that does that but it's hard for people to love others and be selfless in that love when they're not loving themselves that's good and the greatest Way To Love Yourself is to receive the love from your creator one of the things I've been reminding people to do is in your prayer time man pray a prayer of God I thank you for loving me that I am loved that I am valued that you see me because out of that place of knowing you love you're able to now love others and yeah part of my journey you know with you babe like I love God so much I didn't want to hurt him which trickled down to me not wanting to hurt you that we were able to go through dating and engagement and not sleep with each other because we wanted to honor and serve each other and do anything sexual because we wanted to save it for the marriage B and for those who think you got to try before it that's a lie from the pit of Hill yeah you know and we're not shaming anybody that had sex in their relationship or engagement this isn't condemnation but God allowed Us by his spirit and strengthened us to not have sex at all and dating and marriage we waited to our our marriage day and I'm glad we waited wait on the Lord he will not only renew your strength but he will renew you know what I'm saying y'all better said a in the chat a on that chat down no but it's like but it was this honoring God but cha to where I wanted to show her and and I'll tell guys one of the way you can show a woman you love her is cherish the very sacred thing that produces life like cherish that yeah and it built just a different level of trust like so I knew that if he wouldn't be like sexual toward me like I knew I could trust him because I just did like I was like okay he isn't looking at me in that regard you know I saw him literally as a brother and even Even in our dating time because then we were able to but we were able to honor one another which I think was so important but we were just you know in that place with God because we loved him too much we had been through too much like outside of that to give that up so and let me oh goad I was going to say and then you look at like your marriage and like the intimacy you two have because you waited you know because you were honoring each other like that creates so much more intimacy we think like if we rush to the bedroom if we rush like on the this is date number three you know this is the moment of truth right now figure it out but like that that's not intimate yeah the the patience and the waiting creates intimacy yes and the sex doesn't make the marriage it can add some spice to it but it doesn't and I think let's talk about that really quickly like what is sex even for you know I know you can speak to this but we like I mean cuz people say okay but like what is sex for yeah well I think well from what I believe it's very important for sex in a marriage because it's a covenant yeah you know you're breaking a covenant when the highman breaks and there's blood you know if there's two people that come together that are have never been sexual before there's a covenant a blood Covenant that happens when we do get married and we do um have sex for the first time which is a covenant of who God is and it's the example of like Jesus and the church there's a covenant there and so that Covenant there and the Covenant between husband and wife we're an example of that so it's so important for us to come together in that regard under what God has called good not in the other way because that is there's a perverse way that isn't good and and let me say this and to piggy back you on any kind of sex or sexual act outside of marriage is perversion yeah I think we need to just clear that up because sometimes people want to say oh perversion is this and no no no anything outside of marriage with sex is perversion masturbation looking at pornography um some people say well I didn't have sex with the person we just messed around perversion thinking about it thinking about perversion do not look at your a woman lustfully like like perversion yeah and I think sometimes people find excuses to stay because it's that lust of the flesh like I need this I got to have it but it's being able to lay that thing down die of yourself deny yourself and follow the way God has designed sex and sex for marriage but go keep going I'm done also but like obviously the be fruitful multiply you know what I meaning bring and God is never going to create something or have something that isn't grandiose if he's creating it it's going to have some good to it because even when he created us he said it's good so you don't think he's going to allow sex and it not be good cuz some get really religious in it and that oh yeah it's just for multiplication yeah like no like Chris hit it on the head it it's a display of Covenant that when the himman breaks if you I mean if you really to dig into it and research it's so profound how to the detail God is with this thing yeah but it's to now break the Hyman and now the blood and we know the blood Covenant it's to now a man but if you're doing it outside of marriage you're not in the grace and the covering of God but you're making covenants with people that you're not going to be with forever and and one thing I've learned especially in scripture is you need to be mindful who you sleeping with I think back to Genesis 12 and 20 when Sarah and Abraham were in these different places and two occasions in Genesis 12 and 20 when uh Abraham lied and said oh that's my sister mhm both pharaoh and that King and 12 and 20 was like tripping like bro why you ain't tell me because they both had dreams and God spoke to them and said you will die your L will be destroyed if you sleep with that woman and so many times we are living in destruction and we're hurting internally and we're going in in Crazy areas in our mind all because we're sleeping with somebody because we didn't know what was on them yeah they could have had a purpose that now because of our selfishness yeah we wanted what we wanted and thwarted what God wanted for their life or even opposite we're sleeping with somebody and they're putting something on us that God hasn't called us to carry so I remember this I'll say this really quickly this one time you know because I'll be transparent you know you weren't a virgin when you got married I'll say it for you okay you know I waited for my wife he said deep breath I but no like all throughout my you know like I struggle as a teenager in my 20s I it was a battle pornography and masturbation and you know it was a point in time where I was having these nightmares and these dreams and the dreams in context was God saying stop and I was having these dreams of being in a casket I was like dead and my family was like pouring the dirt on the casket and God as I begin to now just say all right God and God used so many different things I got exposed I got that's one thing man when you got a call on your life God will explo he'll give you an opportunity to deal with it in private but if you don't it will come in public oh yeah and God was dealing with me and I wasn't and then I got exposed and I to lay it down but God to show me why I was having those dreams because basically the people I was sleeping with had things on them that now I was taking on and it was going to lead to destruction one was depression I'm not a depressed person but I was taking on because we didn't have the spiritual Covenant and backing of God and we were doing it outside the Covenant of marriage and it was anxiety and one was suicide a person I was sleeping with was dealing with suicide and now I took on that and I wanted to kill myself and God be to in his grace and his Mercy allow me to repent lay it down and break those things to where I went on this journey of celibacy to where being celibate I was able to now see things that I didn't see before with a clear and a pure eye and heart to where even as I now got to know Christa there was other women trying to date but I can see they they're not it no no disrespect they weren't it I can see what they were dealing with I can see it and then God allowed me to see the one yeah the one but it was all through a pure heart but I went through this journey of like man doing it the wrong way to where it was literally I was my soul it's like my conscience was being seared all through these sexual acts to where God was and his love and his Mercy was giving me dreams like stop stop stop and he was doing whatever he needed to do to get my attention even exposing me at church to where now I had to lay it down but it started this journey of celibacy to where I gave it to the Lord so let's talk about that like because I want to make sure we give people practical tools yeah what are some things you guys have done to sort of overcome you know and I'm not assuming you guys had struggles you kind of touched on I what were some practical things again that you did to overcome that you want a first yeah I mean accountability Partners is a thing we throw out a lot yeah it's not going to do any good if you're not if you're not being faithful and proactive in it yeah it's good um like we even even when I was in high school my small group that I was with we and some of us are better than than others and sometimes Seasons we were not as good either but the times that we saw the most fruit out of it was when we felt Temptation and we would text them right away or call them right away no matter if it was late at night middle of the night you have to be proactive about um reaching out cuz they're not going to always know when you're alone or feeling like a type of way um so even now um I have uh friends who are married and we text each other just like hey this is where what I'm going through this is what I'm feeling like can you pray for me and this I got in a conversation with my wife about this so can you pray protection over this I think we have to be proactive about seeking those people who are not only going to lift us up and um Bible says spur each other on towards love and Good Deeds when you think of a Spur it's to it inflicts some discomfort and a little bit of pain but to go forward and that's necessary in relationships and especially in accountability you have to find people who are going to point you in the right direction even if it's um uncomfortable yeah and so and especially in marriage find people who are not going to look at you any different or your spouse any different but actually want to call you higher and so I think you have to be proactive about finding those right people in your life yeah and being that person for someone else as well yeah I would say stop acting like it's not a problem like stop acting like you don't have a struggle or a Temptation on that everybody's always acting like oh I don't ever I never think about Jesus is preaching he's like you've heard it said if you commit adultery it's he's like but I say even if you have the thought we no one can see our thoughts yeah yeah so we we can hide but like Jesus is like I see you I know what's going on in your mind and it and it's sin how however everybody who listens to Jesus in that crowd is going like well that's impossible and he's like I know sounds like you need a superhero sounds like you need a savior and so it's like oh my gosh okay so for for me practically like first off it's surrendering and being honest and having friends that I talk to about it talking to my wife about it like if there's somebody I'm like hey honey like you need to keep that person away from me I don't like the way they're looking at me or even her herself saying like they're too close and so like I want you to and so like I'm listening to her it's the accountability aspect but I I think it's also just like you just have to be like super honest that like it can be a struggle you know and I I kind of get tired of people actually like oh no I don't I don't struggle bro just let's just be honest so honesty like just be honest with it yeah the other thing is praying and fasting as you are praying fasting and killing your flesh man that helped me tremendously to overcome but I was praying fasting constant worship I mean I was worshiping at church I was but I was always at church I mean anytime the doors of church was open I was there yeah uh worship you know Sundays you know Monday School of discipleship you know Tuesday Yos Wednesday night services like I'm just always at church and I was serving to where I was taking the attention off of me and putting it on the things of God so I was serving seeking God worshiping filling myself up with the word but in doing the sort of spiritual disciplines I also did the Practical disciplines and sometimes you just have to get extreme yeah y'all I just stopped watching TV I got rid of social media and I had to stop listening to secular music yeah I just had to go to that extreme because only way I can really renew my mind and my heart and flush out those things and purify myself is to now eat more of God you know we see it in uh John um 3:30 it says as he increase we decrease so as he was increasing in my life and I'm just chewing on the things of God serving on it practically dayto day it's just God God God God God all those things begin to flush itself out but I got really extreme I just stopped watching TV and sometimes you have to get that extreme because you're fighting a generational thing sometimes it's not just what you have you're fighting for because your parents couldn't fight or your grandparents couldn't fight so it's going to be heavy on you so like for instance in your case like it was Heavy because you were carrying the burdens of people way before you even existed but you said yes to God and you're the one that said yes you know what I'm going to fight this so my kids don't have to which is now you know our kids to God be the glory you fought you know yeah what did you do I was I'm you a long time yeah I'm perfect I never had to struggle no um I for me I think it was important to make sure like not don't I just fasted a lot I really did and I'm not even joking but like I wanted nothing to do of this world because I saw and I didn't grow up in a Christian household per se so I saw what life looked like especially like being in my 20s and I didn't want any more of that so I just literally had enough self-control through fasting to die of myself and I let my spirit lead as opposed to my flesh leading cuz I didn't want it anymore so I just said no and was diligent absolutely diligent you guys all found the replacement which is Jesus and his ways and I think like that's a huge thing is like we have to make sure that like if you if you just go I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to do this anymore and like you said you're thinking about it you're going back to it when you get a chance to fast and you get a chance to replace like what you end up getting to do is asking the question like why do I desire this why why do I want this I remember I was listening to some guy and he was talking about that uh people that struggle sexually they need to actually go back to a memory that's how they start how did it start let's address this memory how was this distorted why did you want this and uh he said that when anytime psychologically they address that that issue it's usually they have to go back to the memory first yeah wow but I just I want to encourage those who are watching again this isn't to shame you or condemn you if God did it for us he can do it for you it's just you may have to get a little extreme with it with accountability and you know building the spiritual disciplines but Allowing God to work from the inside out not the outside to inside you got to work on your spirit man your mind your heart your soul and then that way God can begin to transform you into His Image to where you're Desiring more of him and less of what the world offers because if the enemy can get us to lock in on the lust of the uh eyes the lust of the Flesh and the pride of life we will stay in that place of Cu with pornography masturbation said you're never satisfied yeah you hit it you're going to keep pushing the boundary and you're going to keep wanting more you going to keep but there's only one person that can satisfy you the Living Water Jesus who wants to sort of allow you to just know that all you need want and should desire is him but when you get that Revelation you will never turn back you will never want to go back and you'll be able to conquer Egypt and have dominion over Egypt just like Joseph so we want to thank y'all for tuning in we hope this is helpful we hope that you know you got something from this again not to shame you not to condemn you um not to say you're bad all of us had battled with some sort of sexual sin in our life but we all came to a place of allowing Jesus and the Holy Spirit to bring us to a place of overcoming to where now we can share our testimony free and encourage you that again if God did it for us he can do it for you so I just want to pray actually Pastor Jay you want to pray yeah and just encourage the people and let them know that God got them and he can do it yeah Jesus thank you so much for uh being here on this pod as we are are just talking about real things uh that we deal with on a daily basis Lord would you be our daily bread Even in our situations you know uh our heart you know our desires God would you give us a desire for you and for you alone um that that desire would outweigh any other flesh desire Lord I pray that we'll just be able to lead with the spirit and I pray that you'll just be able to do a work in all of us uh in a way that we just desire you pursue you and we be able to lay down our our flesh at at your feet and say Lord we can't do this on your on our own we need your help Holy Spirit would you guide us would you transform us would you comfort us and would you direct us Lord we want your protection we want your uh Direction and we also want your um we we want your guidance in every single step that we take we don't want to do it without you and so uh God I pray for everyone uh that's listening to this pod uh praise you for what you're doing worship you for who you are and we ask all these things in Jesus name and everybody say amen and as we're ending uh just really quickly um just know that like if you're dealing with this and you're battling this you don't know what's on the other side of your obedience and you laying this down little did I know that when I was laying this down I was being strong and being able to be there for some family that needed me and I just can't imagine if dealing with what we have dealt with in our life and our family we wouldn't have the strength or the Comfort or the peace or the mercy to give the offer them if we were still struggling in this area so you may not just be doing it for you but you may be doing it for your children you may be doing it for your family Generations so just know that this sacrifice is bigger than just you it's for a bigger purpose so we love you we appreciate you can't wait to see you next time peace ((music playing)) y ((music playing))