Free Chapel Young Adults Podcast | Ep 3: Cultivating Healthy Relationships

((music playing)) W y'all okay there you ((music playing)) go what's going on Free Chapel young adults and welcome back to the Free Chapel young adult podcast I'm am one of your many hosts I guess we have many hosts it's not just one host you're just a family here but my name is Aaron Marshall I am the global young adult Pastor here at Free Chapel as well as the Director of Free Chapel college and I'm here with more of our family won't y'all go ahead and introduce yourselves hey guys so I'm Mo um I serve at our guette campus my husband and I do youth together over there and um yeah we just love talking relationships and building healthy relationships and giving tools for all that that fun stuff so hey that's awesome my name's Hamilton I'm one of our youth pastors here at our Gainesville Campus um and so love shout out to Pastor Aaron shout out shout out to PA um appreciate you so much love this ministry love everything about it so happy to be here for sure grateful that you here hey guys my name is Amanda Walden so glad to be here today um I'm on staff at Free Chapel in the counseling department so talk a lot about relationships been doing counseling for about 19 years now so learning a lot and hopefully we can share a lot yeah about that topic today well I'm super excited about this pod um we are digging into uh a topic today on cultivating healthy relationships uh one of the main reasons we are in a series this month here at Free Chapel um for the month of February we are in our Better Together series um we've had and we'll continue to have some phenomenal speakers on Sunday we had Dr Rutland um we had our pastor but I think we got Robert Morrison ((music playing)) coming Craig girl shell so we got a crazy lineup and for our young adults we got a special surprise I I'll say it this way think of passion coming to young adults far United you'll see but we're super excited about this series and the point of the series is for us as a church as a people of God specifically for this pod for young adults to be able to cultivate healthy relationships that's marriage uh the engagement season um friendships uh here's one that people don't think about employee employer relationships and even those tricky friendship relationships you know the homies whether on the male side or the female side so whatever it is we want to help you cultivate a healthy relationship so we going to dig into this thing because having relationships is just a part of Being Human we can't run from it right we can't duck it so I'm going to start off start us off with this why is cultivating healthy relationships important like why is relationships important I think you just said it like you can't run from it you know what I mean like you relationships are something that you are going to have to be a part of yeah and so making sure that they're healthy and I believe personally that healthy people breed healthy relationships and so if that's the case then like making sure you're health so that the relationship that you're having and cating can also be healthy good well the reality is we grow in the context of relationships I mean and we need to have a place that we can be ath our authentic self and so that can really only happen in healthy relationships because otherwise it doesn't feel safe enough so so important to be able to have those people in our Lives who we can be vulnerable with we can tell anything to and um just know that we're going to be loved accepted that's how we grow yeah and and I think God specifically did that I mean you think back in Genesis he knew that that's the measure of how we're going to grow and how we're going to measure grow it's through the relationship CU I think about this it's so funny man like I thought about this for a while it's so interesting that people who aren't kind of people persons if you want to say people people people people you know I mean they'll like cuz I'll bring it personally I remember when I was single I thought I was the most selfless I thought I was the most loving and humble guy you'll ever meet I'm like man I'm I'm holy God loves me cuz he knows I love people and then I got married and then I started having kids MH and I had to almost I had to go to therapy cuz I was down on myself like I'm selfish I don't love nobody I felt like a but like break you down breaking me down but it's like it's levels to this thing but God will use people I.E relationships to grow you to stretch you and to measure you and the Bible said is not good for man to be alone and that's for that reason then I think of New Testament what Paul said you know in context he's given this analogy of the body you know and he's saying the body is important and the function and the different uniqueness of the body is important so you may be the the elbow you the people's elbow you may be the knee I may be the neck no matter what it is we all have a function that's needed um to do God's Building and to do his will but it's all important so it's important for us to culate those i' rather be the the ring finger oh or the pinky finger the pinky finger I don't want to be if I had to be a finger mine would be a thumb I'm not going to suggest what mine would be all right I've never really even thought about it okay so but it's a good thing to think about we going to pull that question to our audience if you had a bigger finger which finger would you do random so up in the air want to know cuz you think of the it's like or I'll be the peace sign so can I be two fingers not in this context we're talking about cultivating other relation talk about it's like bye but no let let me ask this though in cultivating healthy relationships what are some things that you guys believe hinder healthy relationships what are some things that sort of put us a damper causes issues stumbling blocks and cultivating healthy relationships I mean I I feel like I keep deferring because I trust these two women on either side of us I know we do got some wisdom yes yes yes we do um you know I think I'm sure it's a lot of things and I know you're going to hear a number of amazing things I I think you know um so much of it I just think about you know the whole intention the whole purpose in terms of the creation of you and I it was always relationship like that was it was always a part of the plan um I mean I I even think in the context of like myself and my wife would suggest this also is I'm I would I would say that I'm my bent is being introverted I'm I I that is my tendency I if you know me I'm like if I'm not here and you know just smiling and waving and hugging and loving you know everybody and and serving and you know just playing my role here like I want to be at home with my wife with my babies I want to hear the cows move you know in the pasture next to it you know it's like that's like my sweet spot and so but even because there are healthy versions of isolation yeah but even in isolation those of us who understand the significance of a relationship with God relationship our isolation is for the sole purpose of pursuing our relationship with him not to remove ourselves from any and every relationship right it's to create space for the most important one so I just feel like having that understanding but you know what what goes into it as far as maybe what hinders us um from pursuing and and having and operating in healthy relationships you know of course pride is I I think you mentioned it when I got married oh my goodness like you know I I'm I'm a selfish person um and then we had kids yeah and then I'm I'm I'm crazy selfish person like oh my gosh is there something wrong with me and and so I feel like you know relationships demand and require things of us um I even think about a revelation that I know that I had specifically with my wife in the context of marriage but that has absolutely carried over in every other relationship in my life and many of you guys have have talked or you've heard about this book um it's the five love languages he was with us last this time last year um but like having the understanding of like wait so someone needs to be loved in a way that I've not been conditioned to love them like I've got to get outside of Hamilton right and understand what it is that someone else needs desires wants so that I can accurately grow in a relationship and effectively grow in a relationship with them so I just think you know what for me at least my experience has been getting outside of myself like it's yeah you know away with the pride away with the selfishness um and and that that has always seemed to hinder and affect you know my ability to grow in relationship that's good that's good I would definitely say one of the things that can hinder is really not dealing with your own stuff right and when I mean stuff like you know we all go through things in life but a lot of people have emotional wounds and they tend to bleed out onto others and so in cultivating healthy relationships you have to make make sure that you're not projecting your stuff so like yeah sure you may have trust issues you know you may have fear you may have insecurities when it comes to relationships or just in general but you've got to be willing to dig in on that allow God to heal you in those places so going back to the isolation it's like those are the times when you pull away with God so that he can minister to you in those areas or with safe people in your life processing things obviously I'm a fan of that as a counselor but um it can hinder health relationships um if you do not you know allow yourself to heal yeah one of the oh go ahead you were going to say something go ahead no I was going to say like there's this phrasing that you know I I kind of learned over the years and it's uh interpersonal conflict there's sometimes through you know IE our experiences what has been done to us what I've done to other people it creates this now internal interpersonal conflict Within Me sure I'm battling to be confident in myself I'm battling to understand and know my value I'm battling to believe that God loves me or people love me and there's just this constant conflict and battle and I believe that's one of the big things that hinder relationships is how can I deal with relationships that will bring contention conflict um or even confrontation when I'm navigating this intrapersonal conflict within me you know what I mean that's you know dipped in trauma dipped in you know PTSD dipped in all these different things so it's like somebody sneezes and then now I take it a certain way because I hav de and if we just being honest and I don't want to demean it or make it light that's just a light example but I believe if we don't deal with the intra personal com we can never handle relationships that's going to bring some level of conflict or or confrontation yeah for sure I think um in the context of marriage like one thing that we say and hear often is marriage will expose you and I think it's cool to even go a step further and say like any healthy relationship will expose you you know and I think part of what hinders us is we shy away from what's healthy because we don't realize sometimes that health Health Y is sometimes conflict yeah you know what I mean like the Bible tells us blessed are the peacemakers and sometimes to make peace you have to disturb it a little bit you know what I mean and so sometimes because we we kind of shy away from those things we run away from those things in the name of keeping peace but blessed is not the peace keeper it's The Peacemaker you know and so just kind of well she just stepped on my toes but that's what I mean I that's a th% correct like we run from things that challenge us absolutely the things that may grow I I think of the Bible story I use this story all the time but I think of when Jesus um healed the demoniac y'all remember and then the pigs went over the cliff and all that man this man got healed of like demons yeah like let somebody in my family be healed of anything they're celebration if I'm not saved I want what you got I want you know what I mean like how did that happen like but think about what the people in the town did they rejected Jesus and said hey can you leave because sometimes we get comfortable in dysfunction and we don't realize it's the dysfunction that's hindering us from operating healthy and all we have to do in that context is give Jesus a chance to get in that dysfunction with us and we true can be we too can be healed like that demoniac man but I think to that point when we're in that Crossroad of conflict or this feels oh I'm not used to this man we book it we isolate and we reject or now nowadays it's easy we can block people let me just block them let me and that blocking digitally becomes relationally I'm going block you I ain't going to talk to you instead of dealing with the is for sure yeah and getting healthy is uncomfortable yes and it requires you to be vulnerable and we often equate being vulnerable with being weak yeah and we don't really like that and so you know it it it's a process too it but it's a worthwhile process no it is cuz what I what I've seen even on the road of getting healthy let's say therapy and you can speak to this and I know you can speak to this but even in the roow sometimes we'll manipulate our trauma MH and here's how we more here's how we do it it's like we use what we've been through or even our process of going to therapy to manipulate relationships cuz I've heard people say hey I you know my therapist told me I can't be around you therapist never said that the therapist said bill boundaries correct then say build a wall correct and I think sometimes people will manipulate their interpersonal conflict and the things they're to control a scenario again because they don't want to grow or heal or be delivered so I think it's important that you know we be honest with ourselves because I think that's the biggest thing um because you talked about pride pride doesn't want the truth because the truth will set us free but pride is going to be like I know the truth but we got to allow God to Humble us and to show us ourselves cuz we're quick to point the finger that person did that and nobody's demeaning what a person may have done sure but it goes back and it starts back with us on okay how did it affect me how can I grow from this what can I do to bring cuz one thing I know about relationships and about God as it pertains to relationships God is about restoration and Reconciliation absolutely and if we don't humble ourselves to and please hear me reconciliation restoration and even forgiveness are all different things because I can forgive and I can restore but I don't necessarily have to come back into here into unhealthy into unhealthy exactly cuz that's a part of it and there are boundaries and things like that but God is still about reconciliation and restoration yes you know and sometimes even forgiving and growing isn't necessarily restoring a relationship but it's restoring you absolutely cuz the Bible is always clear about Lord restore my soul yeah yeah right well there's something a counseling expert I know says Dr Denise Coulson she says it's not your fault but it's your problem and that's so true there's things that happen in our lives that are not our fault things that we did not ask for um wrong place wrong time trauma um and it's not your fault but it does become your problem what's your response to it there's a responsibility to not stay in the dysfunction to allow yourself to heal and again that's hard and I was also wanted to wanted to point out too is it can be a lonely Journey because you can be around lots of unhealth they be the only one in your family or even in your friend group that says I want something different I don't want to do this so that's you know it can be a hard journey but again it's worthwhile and I just believe that if it's truly something a person seeks that he will send the Divine connections the safe people into your life because he hears the cries of our heart and he knows we long for community and people just to love us unconditionally and well so I me that's that's a golden golden point right there so let me open this up how do we navigate loneliness and isolation what's a a a positive or healthy way to navigate that and what's sort of a negative way because I think we've talked we talked about this in the back that like you know sometimes people feel alone and they may not necessarily be alone but they'll get content with being alone and then they'll isolate right and I just have this firm belief that God hasn't called us to consistent sort of isolation and loneliness I agree he he called us to step away and and sort of get alone with him for the purposes as you said earlier of now dealing with community so how do we navigate loneliness and isolation in a healthy way I think um I think for one we have to understand like what the healthy version of that looks like because a lot of times especially within the Young Adult Community we run to isolation when again in the face of problems when in the face of conflicts when in the face of things that honestly you just don't want to deal with even if it's not anything that's quote unquote bad but it's just I don't want to have to deal with that so I'm just going to remove myself from it um and I think the the downside of that is I've never seen where isolation has brought forth healing I've never seen where isolation has brought forth Deliverance I've never seen where isolation has brought forth reconciliation and restoration you know but we tend to isolate in the moments when we need to be reconciling in the moments when we need you know what I mean and so there there that's kind of the downside of it now obviously there are moments in life where we need to get alone because our heads are so over clouded and populated with everybody else's thoughts and voices and opinions and in those moments yes it's healthy to remove yourself to actually be able to hear the voice of God more clearly but um when we're isolating in the name of me me me yeah then you know I don't want to deal or they get on my nerve yeah I think I think obviously you know there are unhealthy versions of isolation um when we are you know avoiding conflict um guilty is charged um you know the it's funny I always joke about you know me and my wife and she's my wife is the type that if we're eating out at a restaurant um and they bring out the wrong order or there's something on my cheeseburger you know that that I I didn't want like my wife will go to the daggum kitchen for me like that is if if it takes that shout out to out to um and that's just not me and and so avoiding confrontation like there are clear motives that make something like isolation unhealthy and ineffective I also though would want to challenge or encourage because I know that there are some or even many who are absolutely fearful and afraid of isolation that you are so afraid to get along with quote unquote me and my thoughts and what might happen and I'm fearful of what I might have to face and deal with and I think about all throughout scripture you can go Old Testament you can go New Testament you can go old Covenant New Covenant it doesn't matter Jesus before he did his greatest works in his three and a half some odd years of ministry on this Earth he was alone with the father Moses go back to the Testament he was alone with the father it says that he would speak to God as man would speak to a friend I think about Matthew chapter 6 Jesus telling his people he talks about giving fasting and praying and listen he says your father who is in secret I believe he says it five times it may be one one or more up or down um but he like that is where he is and so there is a healthy version of isolation and I would want to encourage you um as long as your heart is to meet we have a beautiful promise in scripture and it's that as we draw near to him he's already predetermined to draw near to us right and if we go into quote unquote isolation with with the intent to meet our heavenly father with the intent to hear what he has to say concerning the things that we know we know when you wake up and you look at yourself in the mirror you know that these are things that we have to deal with it I I can assure you not based on my character but the infallible character of the Living God yeah that he will show up and he will speak and he comes with peace he comes with peace he comes with joy and so um I just I wanted to I don't know I wanted to encourage someone like there are healthy versions of that yeah and I think it matters what voice you're listening to because you know sometimes the Lord will draw you away you know just you'll just feel that urge like I miss you like I want you you know and that's good to pull away like you said and there's things you can only get from him you can't get from any human being and if you don't give him time then you can't receive that um and so you know that's the good boy that's that's that Heavenly voice calling you the Holy Spirit um but also I wanted to say about isolation too you know Satan is the father of lies and lies are often what's perpetrating isolation because you're even you're either believing something wrong about yourself about other people or God so you know you may be believing like well my own Mama didn't want me so they probably don't like me either or I'm the problem I'm always the one you know and the enem is just feeding that or you know she ain't real she's fake you know they ain't really looking out for you right so he is accusing either accusing you accusing someone else or accusing God mhm you know and making you not want to come to him saying he's mad at you you ain't never lived up to his expectation and so I think that's really important is what voice are you listening to absolutely as well let's bring it to practicality so navigating the voices navigating isolation manipulation Pride navigating a lot of the sort of challenges and and things we we sort of said that we come up against when it comes to relationship what are some practical things that we can give our young adults watching to be able to overcome these things to start the path and grow to cultivate healthy relationship what are some practical things no I'm kidding um I think going back to what ham was saying right um in terms of the healthy isolation I think the key thing there even throughout scripture is it was for a season like nobody was ever there forever yeah you know and so and then once you come out of that season there's good fruit being let me ask do you think even in the season of I ol ation do you feel like God still has sort of people near absolutely to you know what I mean CU absolutely cuz I just want to make sure we make that don't go off the like cu the Bible says like in the multitude of counselors their safety right cuz like cuz some people will say I'm just isolating and then they Ain picking up the like somebody that loves them you know that cares for them they ain't picking up the phone they're pressing ignore they're totally going off the grid right making that distinction that like isolation doesn't mean you're away from everybody you just may be away from certain people but there's still cuz I think one of the Practical things um that when you were saying that Mo that I thought about was like having wise counsel who are the people in your life that you trust that you love that's going to always give you a Biblical perspective MH so I'm sorry I didn't mean to J you're good you're good um I think it was funny we were talking about what finger would we choose earlier um I've heard someone say it before you know um less fingers more thumbs um I think we we addressed it earlier I think anytime we can consider oursel and this almost sounds ironic when we're talking about relationships and we're like be selfless you know we're against Pride which is obviously the truth but you know there's also a version of it that says in order for you to be your best self and who God has created and continuing to mold you and I to be there is a version of it that says there's a season and and and it it's one that I would argue maybe is even reoccurring in terms of us always being conscious of okay God what do you want us to say how do you want me to say it what would you have me do in this situation there's this understanding of our need for our heavenly father um I even think about what Paul talks about my goodness when he starts talking about the tension between the Spirit and the Flesh and he says literally he makes it so black and white the spirit and the flesh are in opposition of each other and he said the spirit is given so that we can not do what the flesh wants us to do yeah so it's like there's always going to be this tension and and practically I would say less fingers like it's your fault or what about them and I heard about that decision that they made and I saw them do that last Friday night and it's like more thumbs in the context of marriage in the context of um work rated relationships and leading people and friendships boyfriend girl like in any context of relationship less fingers more thumbs because the more that we consider this the more we're going to be able to honor and respect and build what you know what our what our fingers are are generally pointing at and honestly a lot of times the fr frustrations that we have with other people are skewed and perverted through the lens in which we're looking at them through absolutely and it's all because we've not done this right because that's one thing I've learned um in my lifetime that if there's an issue or conflict or let's say somebody said something or offense I'm offended like all those things that happen externally based on how I receive it reveals something internally yeah MH and I don't think we talk about that enough and that's why I love what you're saying cuz we're quick to say oh they said that right but have we considered why I react or feel the way I feel based on what they said yeah no and and you have to connect with people go how do we overcome you're like overcome some of those barriers you have to connect with people for accountability that people so people can speak into your life again we don't just choose everyone choose anyone cuz not everybody's safe emotionally safe enough but I I think it goes back to the original thing we kind of said like we grow in the context of relationships and so even if it starts with one person you know there's people who come into my office and it's like I don't trust anybody well they don't trust me either so we have to build that and it often models what they need to go in the outside world and do and that they learn you know what yes it is scary but I can develop the tools to keep myself safe particularly when a person's been hurt over and over again um and I would you know just also say account again accountability is important being willing to look inside I mean that's echoing what you're saying we have to be willing to look inside and take ownership for our stuff and then lastly um if you're cult trying to cultivate healthy relationships that might mean that you have to start setting boundaries in your unhealthy relationships and that in itself is a whole thing especially if you've lived a boundaryless life or if your boundaries have been violated over and over so it's not an easy thing but I do think it is a way that we overcome um some of those barriers give give us some examples like what are some things that you've seen relationally across the scope um in terms of boundaries okay that could help someone you know watching today you know so maybe you've been in a situation or lots of situations where you often feel things maybe you don't have the words for them yet but maybe you feel violated mistreated hurt manipulated just sad bad you know and that you know God speaks through our emotions our emotions are this sit in our soul and emotions are the language to express what's going on and we can when we can start making sense of that we can start saying something's not right and maybe it's not all Me Maybe This is not all my fault which is what people often do you internalize blame you know and so I think again you start with being able to look inside put language to what you're feeling um and so then you can say I don't like that and so you can start learning how to say no you can start learning how to say you know if you continue to do that then I'm going to have to implement this consequence which means I may not be spending a lot of time with you and y'all it's hard it's hard when sometimes that's with people that are in your intimate space it may be a family member your best friend your boyfriend your girlfriend whoever it may be um and this isn't about just like let's kick everybody out of your life it's just about recognizing oh this is not healthy and evaluating that right and evaluating that so it kind of starts with that but also depending on where you are you may also be putting things on others which is not their weight to carry in other words expecting others to fill voids in your life that only God can that can be a boundary violation is that I am now become code if you want to use a word codependent on you yeah to meet um to meet needs in my life and so I have expectations and I just keep getting disappointed but the expectations so it can sometimes not just be other people violating our boundaries but recognizing maybe I'm violating others boundaries by expecting things of them that only God can so those are just a couple I mean you were speaking gold and again giving language to things and I'm a big advocate for mental health and therapy counseling you being a therapist counsel I do love it um like do you think that's why navigating your mental health or having a therapist is important because for me one of the game changers in identifying the intra intrapersonal conflicts with within me was having that professional mental health care professional cuz people are going to WebMD and going and just labeling themselves like I have split personality disorder I'm like who youing other people or labeling other people oh they're just you know what I mean great according to people everybody's a narcissist you see what I'm saying it's like no they just ain't de you know what I'm saying they're just ain't dealing with your stuff so like what would you like would you recommend therapy because thy counsel can give language to things we're not just leaning on our own understanding what would you say to that well I'd like to say a few things about it first of all um the Holy Spirit he is the Healer Abol I first of all I want to give him like even if you're even if you're in a relationship with a therapist working through stuff it's the Holy Spirit healing and so of course he is the great counselor so that's always defer to him AB but he's the great counselor but I would say um if if it's not a therapist okay so obviously I'm a fan of therapy but not everybody has to go to therapy to get better or to heal but if you don't have safe people in your life safe mentors and there's maybe a deeper issue that even with a mentor you put your finger on that needs another layer of healing then yes do not be afraid to go to therapy um and sometimes people just they're like you know what I've got some great friends and all but I just like to have that safe place with a with a professional back background that can bring some yeah you know thoughts and language and ideas to things and most importantly though is it needs to be bially in integrated and what's important is as a Christian that there's a lot of great secular advice you know out there that's not not completely off the- wall but if it does not align with the word you can easily get into error so that biblical integration with therapist or a friend Mentor whatever is so important for it's funny you say that though cuz we had a young adult um who was you know having a tough time and they were going to a therapist cuz they were feeling lonely and some other things and a therapist said yes just to protect the Integrity trigger warning but won't you just please yourself and that will help you overcome and they came back and told me their therapy I said oh we got to get you another absolutely that ain't working and that's totally against what the Bible says like so we just going to switch somebody else out but I I want to that's a great point and I think you dro the mic on that but I I want to kind of Turn the Page a little bit and talk about this we talk about marriage relationships we talk about singleness but there's kind of like three relationships I want to touch on before we close um and the three is can we talk about like navigating like the engagement season cuz that's what we don't talk about a lot it's almost like we skip singleness and go right into marriage but for those who may be engaged or planning to get engaged um helping them to Steward that relationship and then the second one is just you know employee employer relationships and creating boundaries and things in that and then the last one is like just friendships so let's tackle the the engagement season how do we help our young adults practically navigate the engagement season in a healthy way I defer to y'all that I still wait come on not um so come on Bo right where you at no we don't want your cousins that is so funny okay so the Bible tells us that the two become one right I think the thing that's key is it's two whole like not halves but two like meaning a whole individual a whole individual coming together under God to become one so what happens is um when you're dating and then you get into that engaged you know phase or whatnot leading towards your Covenant um um it's important and we said it earlier and I tell the people this all the time deal with your stuff come on now because when you walk into marriage you are walking into it with all that other stuff coming right behind you and if you haven't dealt with it it's going to show and it's going to come out in ways that maybe won't be the healthiest right and so I think it's important that one we find um wholeness and contentment in God first and foremost even if you're single honest um it's funny because in First Corinthians Paul talks about you know and and this is my ratchet paraphrase version of it but he's like you know hey like I I wish y'all were like me and what is he talking about he's talking about him being single right and and he says though he says but every person has their own gift one has one kind one has another which means singleness is a gift marriage is also a gift the engagement season is also a gift good why is it a gift though it's because and he goes later on in that chapter to to say you know like the unmarried man or the unmarried woman like they're anxious about pleasing God the married man or the married woman they're anxious about pleasing their spouse and so neither is necessarily like oh like oh you're trying to please your wife you're trying to please your husband that's a bad thing however your devotion is now divided and so what happens is if we're single and we're able to actually pursue and and just one pursue wholeness but more than anything pursuing Christ being able to find that in him when we get engaged in order to now switch over to where our devotions are divided like we've now dedicated time like we've put forth the time and the effort that's needed and that's required to be one with Christ so that when we're now coming together with our husband or with our wife we're actually coming in something that's actually viable that's really good yeah yes I mean I'm just going to piggy back off what she said I'm going to say just what she said is great it matters take it seriously um in all seriousness I I think that it is easy to overlook it's the one that is arguably least talked about um and you know I know that we all have an understanding of how important foundations are and and so I think that that is a unique such a unique time and a relationship between a man and a woman Where You Are are you are thinking and focusing on what's ahead yeah and it's so easy to kind of go there and you know be somewhere that you're actually not be somewhere that yes that's right you better you still know what's right and wrong don't act like you don't um but uh but I I do think though that it's so important to know that the decision you're I just I don't know why but I continue to think about this verse and it's it's James what does he call us to do it's be slow to anger quick to listen slow to speak quick to listen it's like this it it's like that is such a a Grace filled time because the unique thing too it just is what it is I I call it how I see it what scripture says if you're doing what we're supposed to be doing you're not living together yet um you there is you're spending more time with them than you ever have before but there's still still those those spaces of removing like yourself from the scenario you're going back to your house or you should be you're going back to your bed or you should be and so it's like there's there it's just a I don't know I think it's a when I think about it it's like it's such a a Grace filled time to to take advantage of you utilize in an effective way to set you and your spouse up for what is to come absolutely and I'll just add just like never forsake where you are for where you want to be you know what I mean like never never forsake the season that you're in whether it's single whether it's engaged what like what hopefully you're not married and trying to be somewhere else but but whatever season you're in um never forsake that for where you want to be because then you'll miss what's in the here and now you know and you don't want to miss it I I I'll never forget like 2020 it was rough year for all of us for a lot of us at least um and for me it had nothing to do with Co but it was a thing of like you know we did this vision board and wrote out so many things and in January of 2021 I remember walking past that board and stopping and looking at it and I was like God didn't get the credit why because there were so many things that he did but because I was so busy looking for what was next and looking ahead I missed what he was doing in the moment you know what I mean and so in that engag season like like yes marriage is exciting and it is good and it is Holy but where you are is also good well and it's special it's a special season and you'll never get it back once you're married right especially when you start having kids yeah we in one of our other episodes we talked about taking naps and we were the married folks with kids were jealous that you know we don't get nap so shout out to the young adult still getting naps we don't like you 00 babysitter we got some kids for yall to babysit but I mean you guys are speaking gold in terms of dealing with your stuff and enjoying the season that you're in and not moving ahead and putting yourself in that place and putting boundaries up and things up but here is one that you know a perspective that I want to share to maybe help somebody and that when you're doing those things like it's so important to get people in your life that has I won't say have done it cuz they're still doing it but they're doing it and they're doing it at a high level but I think one of the fears that people have is that if I get around wise counsel if I do marriage counseling if I do all that they're going to talk us out of not getting married if it comes to that then may praise God then praise God because CU maybe God is saving you from something maybe God is saying you know not necessarily that they're not the one but maybe it's not the right time and we got to humble ourselves going back to the humility piece to say God I'm willing to invite people I love and Trust into this engagement season to deal with our crap right and deal with stuff that we may not have to deal with when we get married but we're going to allow ourselves to be open and honest about what we're navigating and what we're dealing because here's another thing that happens in the uh engagement season is that you need to be being honest about everything because one of the Demonic manipulations that happen in engage is that you're not honest with the person you marrying because you're playing God if I didn't tell my wife Christa everything I would I was taking away her free will yeah I'm please hear me don't you dare take away somebody's free will you give the person the free will to make a decision whether or not based on the truth you told whether or not they want to move forward ab and what we'll do is we won't be honest we won't be transparent we'll hide it then they'll get married and then they're like wait I didn't know why didn't you tell me man that's devastating and what I've seen with so many couples is the fear yes keeps them from being honest we get that understand however most of the time they just love you so much that they they they want to offer you Grace that the fear often keeps them and but if you're not honest and it comes out later all the things then you're dealing with betrayal then you're dealing with well are are you a deceitful person at your core yes and we got a whole another set of issues so I would encourage anybody out there if you're struggling with being honest about things in your life with people that you need to be honest with um it may be seek wise counsel but be honest from the get-go and like you said it gives them an opportunity but it also leads you down a path of righteousness truth and then the relationship has the potential to flourish but you sabotage it from the get-go if you're not honest so I just would encourage people out there to do that because I see it over and O over in the therapy office with couples and so and that's why I wanted to make that point because the Bible says the truth shall set us free yeah and if I'm truthful under God and my potential spouse we stepping into marriage with freedom exactly and I think it's so important to offer up you know but I think sometimes we need that support system that that let you know like listen I know you was ratchet before marriage I.E My Life um but there's Grace there's Grace and that man you made a mistake but again offer up you know an opportunity for that person to now have the free will to make a decision their own free will they can cuz some people let's say like you had a certain proclivity and that proc proclivity is connected to somebody's pts or trauma man it will be devastating in the marriage so I believe in the engagement season that's when you can ramp up you know whether it's marriage counseling or just having a cloud of witnesses and and and coupos not just one couple but couples who are doing it at a high level older couples that can sort of speak into that thing and help you guys navigate that stuff so let's switch it really quickly to uh friendships how do we navigate friendships like Health in a healthy way um just be a better believer be a better disciple yeah cuz at the end of the day like these are relationships that you're called to have like you're gonna have them you want to have friends be a better friend yeah yeah yeah answer your phone pick up the phone and reach out you know what I mean like if you see a friend that's that's kind of like stumbling or struggling in an area like I think correction without relationship comes off as condemnation yeah that's good but when we have relational Equity with someone we now have the space to say hey you tripping friend like you know what I mean and it's good to have those things like I know I have like your wife Christa this one of my homies to my best friend and like one of those things she will give me that smoke and I will give it right back to her you know what I mean and it's one of those things where it's good like we need that and so yeah I think in navigating friendships like obviously Foundation matters communication I think when we are dealing with conflict like all of those things and it even helps in building other relationships because now I'm putting my tool belt to practice so now when I get married I've I've practiced communication I've practiced expressing emotions I've practiced calling out your stuff I've practiced these things in a healthy holy Wholesome Way so and realizing that none of us are perfect yeah like like you're going to fail people and they're going to fail you yeah but be willing to say I'm sorry exactly I missed it I was wrong I was and not even been what you said it might have been how you said it you know because we we're not perfect and people are going to get on our nerves you know what I mean people are going to even our bestest of friends abut you know but I think also one of the things the Lord has dealt with me on is like believing the best in other people but also like who am I to judge my Ser another you know God's servant like who Am who am I you know I can I can keep them from falling you know so just remember that they're in a they're in a process like I'm in a process that Grace can help and you know Pastor Andy teaches in um the Victorious mind he teaches about how like We're All Saints like we're no longer Sinners our identity is Saints we don't need to refer to ourselves as Sinners we are Saints but if we really looked at our brother and sisters as they're Saints too like they have been redeemed and that just kind of helps give you perspective when it's easy to fall into judgment it's easy to be critical right and so but they're on a path like we are too now that don't mean they might they don't need no work on themselves come on now but it helps us walk in Grace more and then the last one and then we'll get ready to close is uh employee employer we are in this I me young adults are more entrepreneurial minded than ever before you know building and there's nothing wrong with that but I believe a underlining thing is they just don't want nobody telling them what to do so how do we navigate employee employee your relationships in a healthy way MH I I would just start off by saying honoring yeah honoring Authority honoring the people I mean it it is clear in scripture um the expectation that is placed on those of us that follow Jesus right um in terms of what that looks like and it's not only talking about our relationship with our heavenly father it's talking about your boss yeah it's talking about your cowork and so I would say I would say Hon h h h honor and the other big one I know that they're kind of like Anonymous um I would say serve your tail off like find like go out of your way you know it's funny you know the saying kill them with kindness right um and and maybe there's a side that it's like oh yeah I agree with that and then another side of that like why would you want to kill somebody um maybe there's a deeper issue you know I want to address that right now but but what but you know I do think that there's there's so much that can take place when we choose the position of of service um and and you know Jesus made it clear throughout scripture I came to serve not to be served um and and so there's there's so much Freedom resolve Redemption release that can take place when one of the two parties makes a DEC decision to serve irregardless of what the boss or the coworker decides to do and how they decide to handle the situation and of course there are versions of this where abuse is legitimate those kinds of things I'm not suggesting you know that we just kind of continue to shove everything under a rug um but but I I would I would say honor honor don't gossip right like don't talk a bad about them I mean it's it's pray for them pray for them like I mean it I've heard this said so many times concerning you know our marriage cuz um I don't know if you watching this if you're married or or not married yet um but marriage can be difficult okay you don't always wake up every single morning and there's like you know rainbows and butterflies floating around your spouse's head as they you know lift their head like a feather off the pillow like some sometimes you get frustrated sometimes you you love them but love is a choice you don't always like them I'm just going to be honest straight and so I think that when we can position ourselves to make a decision I understand what my role and responsibility is in terms of this relationship and it's to honor it's to serve I know what scripture says not what my feelings and opinion suggest yeah towards how I feel about this and so I'm going to do that and when we choose use that posture and that position God has a way of making all things new he has a way of shedding a new light maybe you know a lot of times we are believing things about our bosses or co-workers that just aren't true yeah we're we're we are we are determining our relationship and our stance in terms of how we view them based on an assumption yeah and and you know we we just they like me they don't like me and communicate yeah Clarity is King yeah Clarity is king and a lot of a lot of the issues between employees and employers is there is a lack of clarity if you don't know what the scope of your job is then you probably won't be doing your job well yes so seek Clarity in that you know yeah it and it's funny you say that cuz man y y'all dropping nuggets the Bible says be faithful over another man's work yeah we get so prideful that we don't want to be faithful cuz we feel like we should be the boss but there Seasons where we have to serve and be faithful over because how can God trust us with our own if he can't trust us serving somebody else's vision and serving somebody else's work so I think it's important to be faithful in that and remember as an employee or a servant you're held accountable to that because you're being looked at as a Believer because if you are a Christian working in a certain space and it's known they're watching your work ethic they're watching how you Steward the things in the office they're watching how you deal with people they're watching how you deal with you know your boss everybody's watching and again we you said it h like if your boss is being verbally abusive or physic physically abusive or for sexually abusive like please you boundaries deal with that head out like remove yourself but accountability and somebody holding you to a standard to do your job is not somebody impeding on your mental health and it's not somebody abusing theyth theyed Andes and that's God he often puts those leaders above you to prepare you for what God has for you so if you I mean it's a learning process and if we submit to it you know then God will Elevate you to not just the desires of your heart but what he's called you to do abolutely but the reality is sometimes being the boss ain't all that glamorous either because they handle stuff that we don't even know that they're dealing with so you know they need prayer like you said pray for them and it's funny and I I'll land with this can you touched on it cuz you said Clarity and communication and you said the boss is dealing with stuff you don't know one thing I've learned in Ministry that sometimes there's things that your boss or your overheads do that like you just don't have the big perspective and a a Bible verse that has changed my life throughout my young adult years and even today is Proverbs 47 it says wisdom is the principle thing and then all you're getting get understanding and that getting that understanding is through communication and understanding is synonymous with that Clarity that you will begin to understand what I'm asked to do understand what my boss wants what he needs understand me understand my wife as much as I can cuz we know sometimes that can be hard understand my friendships cuz sometimes as as people we deal with just relationships and stuff Iceberg we just see the top right we don't understand there's a huge Boulder and rock of stuff at the bottom so I think that Pro Proverbs 47 says for us to look at this thing not just from surface view but to go deeper in our relationships to gain understanding so we can deal with them healthy in a prop proper way but we're going to wrap that up thank you guys appreciate you guys and free Trel young adults we love y'all thank you guys for rocking with us and being a part of this you know podcast um share share it you know if you are loving the topics and things we're talking about um share it with family share it with friends um and our prayer specifically for this one is that you cultivate healthy relationships no matter what season you're in no matter with who but it's done um through sort of a Biblical heart and a Christlike heart and character um but we love you stay encouraged and I got to say this we got to get y'all to connect to um Free Chapel we have campuses all over so no matter where you are you can check us out let's see if I can get this we have campuses Gainesville uh guette uh brazon Midtown um we have our online campus we have our alfaretta campus we have our OC campus and we have our Spartan birg South Carolina did I hit them all let's go and shout out to our campus pastors but get connected um even online we have a great online community that actually have small groups so free chel we love you stay encouraged um and we can't wait to connect with you on our next pod see you ((music playing)) n