Torrie’s Story: From Miscarriages to Influencer Mom of Four

Month ((music playing)) after month after month, it was like not happening. And I was devastated. I was just like, "What do I do? What's wrong with me?" So, we start going to the doctor. ((music playing)) I get tested. They're like, "It's fine. You just got to wait a year before we even start helping you."

((music playing)) And I'm like, "A year?" Like, "No, this is like a year off of my plan, which is my whole life. That seems ((music playing)) like forever. Every month felt like a year." So, I had no choice but to go and take it all to the Lord. Tori Jared envisioned a perfect life with ((music playing)) a husband and four children, but instead she faced a long journey of infertility and miscarriage.

Find out how Tori ((music playing)) has found joy in Jesus through every circumstance and helps others learn to do the same. It's all on ((music playing)) this episode of GPS, God, People, Stories, an outreach of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. I'm Jim Kirkland. Like Tori was doing initially, people often search for happiness in their circumstances.

Whether it's in their career, family life, or personal growth, it's something Billy Graham knew was a losing game. Happiness does not depend on circumstances. If you make serenity and happiness depend on outward circumstances, then you're destined for disappointment and disillusionment. >> If you're feeling discouraged and are searching for hope, we're here to help.

Visit our website findpacewithgod.net. That's find peacewithgod.net. And as always, there's a link for you to get there in our show notes. >> GPS God >> people stories. >> When Tori Jarrett was 5 years old, she told her parents she wanted to give her life to Christ. Because she was so young, they asked her some questions just to be sure she was ready.

And >> I'm like, "Yes, but I want to get saved." My dad's like, "Okay, well, let's just wait till like Wednesday. Let's see how you feel then." You know, wanting that stirring to go to the altar type situation. >> On Wednesday morning, Tori woke up excited to go to church that night and commit her life to Jesus.

But first, she had to go to school. >> I'm like, "It's Wednesday. Today is salvation day. I cannot wait." Anyways, we go into bathroom break and my heart was just like pounding. like I was straight under conviction. >> In that moment of solitude, Tori's conviction was tugging at her heart. >> And so I go into the bathroom and I'm sitting on the toilet and I'm just like, "Lord, I'm trying to make it till tonight.

Like I don't want to die today." And all of a sudden the the toilet starts flushing cuz it's automatic, you know? So it's like whoosh whoosh whoosh. And I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I'm going to die right now and go to hell. I'm going to get sucked down this toilet.

I'm going straight to hell right now." So in that moment like please God don't make me wait till tonight like I believe you I love you like please save me right now. So I come out in the stall of sinner out of the stall washed by the blood like I'm straight up saved when I go out. >> But Tori didn't share her newfound decision.

She came forward at church that night as expected and as if she had never prayed beforehand in the bathroom. Tori kept quiet about her actual salvation moment for the next 30 years. It was like this perfectionism battle that I started to deal with. And so I went to the altar and I told them like, "Okay, yes, I want to be saved."

And I knew the whole time cuz I'm like, "Okay, Lord, you know, you've already got me. You already live in me, whatever, but I got to go through the motions and all the things." >> That pattern of perfectionism would continue to be a theme in Tori's young life. >> So, growing up as a pastor's kid, I clung to perfectionism. like whatever it looks like on the outside.

I have to be pretty. I have to be fashionable, but we were very low income. My dad made hardly any money. We thrifted and I hid that. I didn't want anyone to know that I thrifted. That my clothes, everyone would like, "Oh, you look so cute. You must have, you know, this, that, or the other."

Which would also make me feel bad because I worried about what people thought of me. I would hide it and be like, "Oh, no." You know, like whatever. I got it. Wherever you shop, that's where I shop. I just wanted everyone to be proud of me, everyone to have only good things to say about me. >> Because of her pursuit of perfectionism, Tori judged herself harshly and she began to think that that was how God thought of her, too.

Those feelings caused her to be afraid to be close to God. But she still prayed. And in her teenage years, she specifically prayed about her future husband. I remember writing a list of things that I wanted in a husband. And I would pray about every single one of those things.

I want him to have dark hair. I want him to be over six feet tall. I want him to do this. I want him to do that. And I would always pray over it in every person that I would date that kind of fit the bill. I'd be like, "Oh my gosh, you must be my husband."

You know, not really listening to the voice of God, but this idea of perfectionism. >> Tori began to date, but not the right kind of guy. And it led her to a turning point. >> I was really looking at that list and God's like, "Everything that you're you've got on this list goes with all of your other issues of it has to look right, but is it right?" >> No.

Tori knew it wasn't right. She decided to not date anyone for a while. She only wanted who the Lord wanted her to have. >> So around 17, 18, I took that list. I would pray over it. And it turns out when I fell in love with God a little deeper and was like, "You know what?

No one else matters except for you." That's when he sends me my husband. >> Tori met her husband Britain through a group of friends. But before getting married, Tori had a serious conversation with her husband to be. She wanted to have four kids. That was a non-negotiable for her. >> I convinced him like, "If you want to marry me, then you need to have four kids."

So he's like, "Okay, done." Tori married Brenton when she was 20. After being married for a couple of years, Tori had become desperate to have her first child. >> Month after month after month, it was like not happening. And I was devastated. I was just like, "What do I do?

What's wrong with me?" So, we start going to the doctor. I get tested. They're like, "It's fine. You just got to wait a year before we'll even start helping you." And I'm like, "A year?" Like, "No, this is like a year off my plan, which is my whole life. that seems like forever.

Every month felt like a year. So, I had no choice but to go and take it all to the Lord. >> While sitting on their front porch, Tori prayed, asking God what they were supposed to do. She'd envisioned her life of raising children to serve the Lord. And she was worried that he was not going to give them to her. >> So, in having this relationship, depending on the Lord, constantly thinking I'm pregnant, finding that I'm not.

It's just like this cycle of possibility and devastation and possibility and devastation. >> Frustratingly, the bad news kept coming. After running some tests on her husband, they found that the couple only had a 50% chance of being able to have children. It was due to an accident Britain has suffered working as a lineman a few years earlier. >> And we find out in this appointment that that should have made him not able to have children at all.

So the fact that there was a 50% chance even though this news was very devastating it was like okay God can work with that. >> Tori kept going to God in prayer and two months later they became pregnant with their first child. >> I remember just being like God is so good and no one will ever understand the goodness of him because we had so many obstacles standing in our way.

But what I didn't realize is a lot of it was just the relationship with God missing in that. He wanted me to long for him. Like when I was a teenager, he wanted me to long for him before he gave me his hus my husband. And then when I was an adult, he wanted me to long for him before he gave me the gift of a child.

With the birth of their son, Tori wanted to continue to grow her family. Tori and Brenton had a baby girl 22 months later and decided it was time to build their family home. I heard the Lord speak and was like, "You need to start blogging this. You need to start sharing this."

It was like his voice was so loud to me. I couldn't just keep it to myself. I wanted to tell the world. So, I designed a whole blog, a whole website, all this stuff. I never even told Britain at that point. I was so embarrassed because I'm like, "This makes no sense." >> Tori told Britain she had something to show him. >> So, I saw I'm like, "I'm about to give us a brand.

I'm about to change everything I'm doing, my goals list. I want to write a book. And he's like, "Okay." I'm like, "Here's the website. Here's the blog. Here's my first. Let me read it to you." And he's like crying. >> Brenton had no idea his wife had all this inside her, ready to come out at her fingertips.

But his encouragement excited her as she went live with their website and brand, Willowbrook Farm Life. It showed glimpses of their life ranging in everything from thrift finds to the house to faith moments. And just like their newly launched website, finally their house was ready, too. >> Our first night in the house, I had ordered a mattress and we all slept in my bed because we were used to being in this camper and I have two kids and now they're at the whole end of a hall of this big house that I'm like seems so foreign.

I felt like this was going to be home. And for me, I was like, I'm a visitor. What am I even doing? Why is this house this size? Like the ceilings are 10 foot. I'm 5 foot two. I felt tiny in it. I felt like my kids were too far away.

So, it's just like this shift of like I designed perfection. First night there, perfection is shattering. >> But once again, Tori was ready to chase after her desire to have four children. >> And I'm like, okay, it's time for number three. So, we start trying for a baby. and it it wasn't happening and it wasn't happening and it wasn't happening and it wasn't happening. >> After another visit to the doctor, Tori and Britain were told their chances of having more children were getting even slimmer.

They were told they needed to have them quickly or they might not be able to have them at all. >> So, we end up getting pregnant and that's when I experienced my first miscarriage and it was so rough. It was so dark. It was so devastating. We were in our new house, this dream house that was supposed to be so beautiful.

And one thing after the other just kept shattering. I was like, "How am I supposed to write a story about just how beautiful God is when I'm living in absolute darkness?" >> Tori was almost 10 weeks pregnant when she lost the baby. She ended up in the emergency room on a Friday night.

And a quick warning, the details she's about to share are intense. I was in the bathroom. I'm alone. And honestly, there's just stuff everywhere. I was trying to clean up the bathroom floor. People are pounding on the door. It makes me want to cry like even thinking about it because people are pounding on the door and wanting to get in.

They're like yelling me to get out of the bathroom. And I'm thinking like I'm alone and I'm losing my baby right now. >> But the miscarriage wasn't over in just one night. The process took six weeks. During that time, Tori leaned on Brenton and the Lord. She was completely devastated. >> I ended up hemorrhaging.

I was not in a good place. I was not healthy whenever finally ending my miscarriage. So, that was very traumatic period of life for me just going through that. >> Tori wrote a blog post sharing about their loss and the post hit home with many others who had had similar experiences. >> So many people poured their heart out to me. my friend's grandmothers called me on the phone, emails from older women, never told a soul, and would start the conversation saying, "Don't tell soand so because no one knows, but I've been through that."

And your story was so real because 50 years later, I'm still grieving something that I never told anyone about. >> Their reactions brought Tori to a profound realization. There are so many people in life that go through situations and they sit in this isolating darkness without finding joy in the Lord because they keep it to themselves.

So in sharing that and sharing that story, I just started seeing God work in my life in a different way. It's like every time I would lay something at Jesus's feet like fully and surrender like, "Okay, God, I'm not longing for the life of that baby to come back.

I'm not going to long for two more children to make this life perfect. I just want you to take care of me." And then we end up getting pregnant with our third. We named her Beacon Meadow, a light in a peaceful place because I was in the darkest when I ended up getting pregnant with her. >> It was around that time that God gave her another calling.

But as she started to write the book, she kept falling back on her habit of self-reliance. >> As soon as I had Beacon, we decided we would start right away trying for another one. And we wanted them to be closer together. And same scenario starts happening. I start clinging to the idea of getting pregnant every single month.

It comes up not happening. And I tell my husband, I'm like, "Okay, I know what we're going to do this time. We're going to the doctor. We're going to the fertility clinic. And I'm going to tell them like, you take care of this because I can't go through what I've went through for the last 10 years." >> The doctor responded with some shocking news.

Tori was already pregnant. >> So, as soon as I end that appointment, I go and I get tests and I test and test and test and all of them are that I'm pregnant. And I'm like, "Oh my gosh." Like, "Okay, Lord." But I felt uneasy about it. It was really hard to explain.

I was like, "Okay, I didn't fully ask you for this cuz I was just going to handle it. So, why are you giving me this baby? Is this going to be a lesson I need to learn?" You know, like, "Are you going to take it? Am I really going to have this child?" >> A couple of weeks later, Tori had her answer.

She began to suffer from another miscarriage. >> I was devastated. I was just like, "Oh my lord." Like, "What are you doing?" like why am I going through this again? What have I done to deserve this? I've followed you my whole life. I don't have a huge redemption story.

I've given you everything. I write everything. I do all this and still I'm sitting in a second miscarriage is what I've never wanted to go through. >> A short time later, Tori received a phone call from the doctor's office. The doctor had more heartbreaking news. She was not a candidate for a fertility procedure.

I've seen all these stories like anybody who can't have a baby, they go to the doctor, then they can have a baby. So, what are you talking about? And they were like, "Your husband can't have kids anymore." Like, his percentage over the years had went down and he was not able to have children.

My knees collapsed. I was just like, "What do you mean he can't have kids? We just need one more." I was so upset. And she's like, "I'm so sorry, but no. Like, you're not a candidate. He's not. He can't have children." While still crying on the phone, Tori went and looked out the window.

She stared at the magnolia tree she had planted in memory of the first child she lost. She had hoped it would grow as a memory of the child, but it had never bloomed. However, in that moment, Tori noticed something she hadn't seen on the tree before. >> And I see something white on it, and I was like, "What in the world is that?"

So, I hang up the phone. I run downstairs, run across the yard, and I go out there to this magnolia tree, and I see that it has blooms. This tree now at this point was 3 years old. It had never bloomed. It had never grown. It had never done anything except just upset me because it wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. >> Tori counted the blooms on the tree.

One, two, three. >> And I so clearly hear the voice of the Lord say, "These are the three that you have." And they're open. They're bloom. They're growing. They're beautiful. And they're upstairs right now doing homeschool. And then he's like, "Keep looking." >> Tori frantically looked all over the tree and found two more buds.

She felt God say to her, "They will never open. Now look again." As Tori looked at the tree, she found one tree bud with a little bit of white coming out of it. She didn't know what it meant. >> And he was like, "That one's coming. So just hang on to me through this journey because you're going to have that fourth baby, but it's on my time, not yours.

So I was like balling, crying, and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, okay, Lord. I'm just going to trust you." And it the math doesn't make any sense. The story timeline doesn't make any sense. Two weeks after that very moment, I found out that I was pregnant with our fourth, which we have now.

She just turned four years old. After Tori delivered her fourth child, she got a publishing deal and shared her life story, including about her miscarriages. >> I realized there were a lot of people that needed to see what God really said about miscarriage instead of what we told oursel that we were a failure.

That's not what God wants. There's a reason that we all go through those battles. I'm a firm believer of that. >> That book led to an opportunity for Tori to become a public speaker, something she'd never thought she'd do. That was two and a half years ago. And in that time, she has started a podcast called Chats in the Greenhouse.

She also decided to change her entire social media presence from mostly sharing thrift finds or home design to incorporating her family prayer requests and tie-ins with scripture. >> For me, I was like, I need to be real. Like, I need to make sure that everything I'm doing is real and what do I want my message to be here?

And at the end of the day, it wasn't really thrift finds. It was Jesus. >> Through the platform she has been given, Tori aims to share the joy that Jesus has brought to her life. She's doing that by constantly filming videos of her praising God and dancing with joy in whatever she's doing, whether making breakfast or doing design work. >> I want people to come to me and figure out how to find joy, like how to heal from miscarriage.

But in everyday life, joy is so attainable. And people don't believe that. They believe they go to church on Sunday. If they don't get fully healed, then they just ((music playing)) go back to their regular life Monday through Friday. That is not the case. We can wake up with Jesus and have church in our kitchen every single day.

If you want to have that kind of joy ((music playing)) in your everyday life, the kind of joy that only comes from faith in Jesus Christ, you can start your faith journey right now. Visit our website, find peacewithgod.net. When you're there, click on begin a relationship with Jesus. That's at find peacewithgod.net.

You can also find this link in our show notes. In just a moment, you'll hear Tori share more about what it means to lean on God in life's hardest moments and find joy in him there. You're listening to GPS, God, ((music playing)) People, Stories, a podcast production of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.

How can I find happiness? This ((music playing)) question takes various forms and is expressed in many ways, but basically millions are asking the same question. Billy Graham. >> The Bible teaches that you are entitled to happiness. We know that happiness in this life is a possibility regardless of circumstances because Jesus demonstrated it over and over again.

He encouraged the faint-hearted to be of good cheer. Happiness does not depend on circumstances. If you make serenity and happiness depend on outward circumstances, then you are destined for disappointment and disillusionment. In fact, many times a person does not find true peace and happiness until in the midst of suffering and pain.

There are thousands of you listening to me that have searched for happiness all your life. You have looked for joy and peace and contentment all your life and you've never found it. I beg of you to receive Christ today. I beg of you to put your hand by faith in his hand and begin a life of inward happiness and peace.

I do not mean that there is no trouble ahead. I ((music playing)) do not mean that there will not be disappointments and persecutions ahead. But I mean that in the midst of troubles and difficulties, there can be peace with God that will bring an inward happiness. You can be happy today by giving your life to Christ. >> Jesus Christ offers a life of peace and happiness like no other.

And as Billy Graham just said, you can find that happiness today. Visit our website, find peacewithgod.net. And when you're there, click the link that says begin a relationship with Jesus. Once again, that's atind peacewithgod.net. And the easiest way to get there is the link in our show notes.

Before we go, Tori has one last piece of advice she'd like to share and some insight on how you can live joyfully even in life's hardest moments. >> Lean on God and he will get you through anything. You can find joy through the darkest, hardest moments, but they are not found within oursel.

It's 100% found within Jesus and spending time with him. There are so many scriptures in the Bible that point us to joy, love. I mean, he is such a loving father. I spent so much time fearing God and and I do. I want to live my life to please him.

But what I was lacking is knowing that the more I fall in love with God, the more I want to please him. The more I want to live the way that honors him. So anybody who listens to anything that I say, I hope that they leave thinking, I want to know this Jesus.

Like I want to have that joy that only comes from him. I'm going through a hard time, but I want to be able to laugh through the pain. I want to be able to endure these tears and still smile. Anybody that hears anything from the story, I hope that they find redemption is always found sitting at Jesus's feet, not bowing down to anxiety, not bowing down to our circumstances, but working through those things and finding joy through all the pain. >> We're grateful to Tori Jared for joining us on this episode.

Tori continues to share her joy in the Lord in every aspect of her life, all on social media, her podcasts, her blog, at women's conferences, and in her personal life and her community. If you'd like to be encouraged by more stories like this, we can help you with that.

Hit the subscribe button on your favorite podcast app or on YouTube. In the middle of life, GPS is here for you in the middle of the week every other Wednesday. I'm Jim Kirkland and ((music playing)) this is GPS, God, People, Stories. It's an outreach of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.

Always good news. >> ((music playing))